Earths, Earths, Everwhere, But Not A Decent One To Live On

Los Angeles, CA – A new estimate suggests our galaxy is home to at least seventeen billion planets that are similar in size to Earth, more than two Earth-size planets for every person on the globe.

“What the hell are you doing?” shouted a scientist. “We were going to publish a story a week, claiming to have discovered another Earth-like planet! You just ruined seventeen billion weeks worth of publicity!” He slumped into his chair, adding, “now we have to do something else to stay in the public’s eye. But what? Think, Dr. Kleinstein, think!”

“Yes, there are other ‘Earths’ around,” said space alien Qtii Nbms IV. “But let’s face it, you guys are living in four dimensions, and you’re doing that wrong. Do you really think you’re equipped to traverse the long distances of space?” He shifted into a bright gas and exclaimed, “when you wake, you will not remember any of this!”

NASA called the discovery “exactly what we predicted as well”, “hey, you guys want some free Tang?” and “no, it’s not expired, it’s supposed to smell like- woah! Throw that right out! That’s expired. No, there’s no such thing as zesty Tang.”

“So…” said an American. “I know I’m the last guy to comment on this story, and I know it falls on me to bring some reason into this story, but I really don’t know where to start. I mean, this is pretty much useless information, unless… nope. Useless.”

Report filed by Editor at 12:00 pm