Hanover, NH – Dartmouth researchers have found products containing organic brown rice syrup could have high levels of potentially toxic arsenic.

“Rice is deadly,” said a top FDA official. “We’ve been telling you that for sixty years. Sure, we might have used some images that some sensitive people say were overtly racist, depicting Asians eating white babies with rice or skinning old ladies alive using a rice scythe, but now you know why! Also, we’re kinda racist.”

“That’s what you get for eating healthily,” said an overweight man as he gasped for breath. “We’re number one! We’re…” He took a few deep breaths, coughed a few times then slumped over. For legal purposes our reporter can’t reveal the time that elapsed between thinking the man was making a satirical commentary on American health and dying.

The American Rice Consortium called the research “damning”, “everyone knows that one study done by a third tier science school is the end all and be all” and “yes, we’re being sarcastic. Who gives a [expletive deleted]ing hobo’s limp [expletive deleted]? Sorry, we’re a little agitated what with the persistent constipation.”

“So this is how the world ends,” said a preacher. “Not with Jesus, but with rice.” After shrugging he added, “it had to happen some time, right? I know this might not be the appropriate time, what with Greg and Sally standing up here to be wed, but we have to recognize that the end is here. Let us pray.”