Detroit, MI – General Motors plans to ask Volt owners to bring their electric cars into dealers to strengthen the structure around the batteries.

“I’m gonna be real honest with you fellas,” said a top automobile executive. “We’re still trying to figure out how to make cars. Most of what hits the markets are flukes, you know, mistakes. We literally spend hundreds of millions of dollars, making things until we get something that works like a car. We were kinda shocked the batteries stayed in there to begin with.”

“Well, my car is green, so…” said environmentalist and mother of two Allison Belft to her youngest son’s mother Beatrice O’Conner. “I mean, I don’t know why anyone wouldn’t buy a green car. Have you even seen Food Inc? No? Probably because you watch so much TV in your house. Ugh, TV.”

The American Electric Car Association (AECA) did not return our calls. Seeing as we normally print a few lines in this paragraph, we’re going to assume that the AECA were all driving electric cars which lost their batteries.

“It’s not unusual for a company to tweak new technology,” said a consumer. “On the other hand, you really should have the basics working before selling a product. So I guess there are two, and only two, sides of a story. If life has taught me anything, it’s that everything is a ‘he said/she said’ battle to the death. To the death.”