Washington DC – According to records obtained by FairWarning under the Freedom of Information Act, expert reviewers have told the FHWA that a study of electronic billboard safety appears to have been botched. The key findings vary so wildly from previous research that, as one reviewer put it, they “are not plausible.”

“What?” said an ad executive. “Are you implying that we would spend five million dollars for a fake study that validates a new revenue stream? And how is putting a TV on the side of the road bad? Everyone likes TV, everyone likes driving. It’s an American marriage.”

“I thought those seemed a little distracting,” said an angel. “Well, everything worked out for the best.” He then flew away, being chased by his childhood dog.

The National Center for Conspiracy and Hoaxes called the study “brilliant”, “when electronic billboards first came out we thought it was a hoax, but we’ve since moved it over to the conspiracy wing. Or at least that’s what they tell us” and “who funds us? No one does. No, there’s no conspiracy here. No, we’re not a hoax. Confused? Excellent.”

“So what did the people in the study really conclude?” asked an American. “Dead? All of them? How? Oh my God, that means… umm. Can you tell me what it means so I can say it? Come on. Come on!” After a long sigh he whispered, “please?”