New York, NY – A senior administrator at California’s Claremont McKenna College resigned after admitting that for years he falsified SAT scores to publications such as US News & World Report to inflate the small, prestigious school’s ranking among the nation’s colleges and universities.
“So we fudged a few numbers,” said a school official. “It’s not like we killed any one. Well, technically, we killed a lot of people thanks to our two year medical program. But we’re not here to discuss the mass grave, we’re here to discuss the scores thing. What? Oh, right.”
“So this school isn’t the best?” asked a potential student. “Damn it! I wanted to go to a school where everyone got 1600 on their SATs. Now I’ll just go to some normal school and learn in a regular college environment. Life sucks.”
The League Of Colleges called the report “disturbing”, “we’ve never seen such disregard for the… what did they do? That’s it? Jesus, who doesn’t flub a few numbers here and there?” and “you know what? [Expletive deleted] you, magazine. Oh, and journalism is a lazy man’s major. [Expletive deleted]tards.”
“Everyone knows the only way to rank schools is through published magazines that report the news a week after it happens,” said a college administrator. “I mean, where else would people find out how good or bad a school is compared to other schools?” After a sigh she added, “don’t answer that.”
