School Misreports Truth, Undercorrects Scores

New York, NY – A senior administrator at California’s Claremont McKenna College resigned after admitting that for years he falsified SAT scores to publications such as US News & World Report to inflate the small, prestigious school’s ranking among the nation’s colleges and universities.

“So we fudged a few numbers,” said a school official. “It’s not like we killed any one. Well, technically, we killed a lot of people thanks to our two year medical program. But we’re not here to discuss the mass grave, we’re here to discuss the scores thing. What? Oh, right.”

“So this school isn’t the best?” asked a potential student. “Damn it! I wanted to go to a school where everyone got 1600 on their SATs. Now I’ll just go to some normal school and learn in a regular college environment. Life sucks.”

The League Of Colleges called the report “disturbing”, “we’ve never seen such disregard for the… what did they do? That’s it? Jesus, who doesn’t flub a few numbers here and there?” and “you know what? [Expletive deleted] you, magazine. Oh, and journalism is a lazy man’s major. [Expletive deleted]tards.”

“Everyone knows the only way to rank schools is through published magazines that report the news a week after it happens,” said a college administrator. “I mean, where else would people find out how good or bad a school is compared to other schools?” After a sigh she added, “don’t answer that.”

Reality Television Soon To Be More Real, Murdery

New York, NY – Entertainment experts warn reality TV will soon go too far. “We all enjoy the embarrassing moments of capturing a sexual predator or watching a woman pee herself because she’s scare of snakes,” said a television expert. “But reality TV will soon cross the line. I donno, they’ll show frontal nudity or not bleep a swear word.” After opening a bag of ...

News Kills Santa

Chicago, IL – Shortly after airing a news segment aimed at helping parents curb their kids’ high-budget Christmas expectations, a news anchor decided it was the perfect time to cut to the chase and advised parents to just tell kids there’s no such thing as Santa. “Look, it’s just easier,” reasoned a top news anchor. “You don’t wanna start their lives based on a lie. ...

Reporting Frowned Upon, Hacking Okay

London, UK – A former News of the World journalist made a rare, robust defense of phone hacking, telling Britain’s media ethics inquiry that eavesdropping on voicemails was a “perfectly acceptable tool” to help journalists uncover stories. “We’re not going to find stories on our own,” said a British journalist before the court. “And no ...

Rebel Newsman Accuses AP Empire Of Corruption, Use Of Force

Undisclosed Location – On the eve of the one-year anniversary of WikiLeaks’ release of more than a quarter of a million US embassy cables, founder Julian Assange assailed mainstream news editors in a speech to an editors conference in Hong Kong charging that, in their quest to advance in their chosen profession, they have become ...

USPS: Email Will Make Your Privates Fall Off

Washington DC – On the verge of reporting historic losses, the US Postal Service is launching a new TV advertising campaign designed to slow the migration away from snail mail. “We’re really in a bind here,” said the assistant to the Postmaster General. “So instead of making the rational business move: downsizing, cutting costs and ...

AP Reports AP Might Be Racist, Have Personality Disorder

Washington DC – By most accounts, President Obama gave a fiery speech at the Congressional Black Caucus Foundation’s annual awards dinner, telling blacks to “quit crying and complaining” and support him in the fight for jobs. But was the AP transcription of Obama’s remarks racist? “If there’s anything we do best, it’s putting ourselves in ...

It’s TV’s Fault Your Kids Have ADHD, Not Yours

Atlanta, GA – A new study published by the journal Pediatrics found watching a snippet of a SpongeBob cartoon negatively affected four-year-olds’ attention spans. Watching a more realistic PBS cartoon did not. “Realistic cartoons had no effect on children,” said a PBS television director. “Mostly because they’re watercolor pictures of starving children in Darfur, voiced ...