Frankfurt, Germany – The European Central Bank flipped its credit tap wide open to help Europe’s troubled banking system, allowing hundreds of nervous banks to take out a record four hundred eighty nine billion euro in loans.

“We’re confident they’ll pay us back,” said a top German official. “I mean, they’re bound to eventually make some sort of fiscally responsible decision, right?” After a short pause he jumped away from the podium and ran out of the room yelling, “hold up! Guys! Hold up! We changed our minds!”

“You don’t see these sort of financial shenanigans here in the US,” said a top Federal Bank officer. “We do these things behind closed doors where the public can’t see. This way, they keep spending beyond their means and we keep control.” He lit a cigar and added, “you know too much. Guards! Throw him in the pit. No, the other pit. Thank you.”

Several major investment firms released several different statements which varied from “this is great, more people to sucker” to “more people to sucker? This is great” and finally “the market will rise because everything thinks this is good news, but it’s really just a sucker play. Suckers!”

“Something about this isn’t right,” said Pete, the guy who works on the floor above us. “How do we know we’re not in the Matrix? I mean, how do we know, know?” He shrugged before pressing the seven button and was quiet for the rest of the ride.