San Francisco, CA – Starting this morning, the new Timeline feature on the popular social networking site Facebook is now mandatory.

“You have seven days to remove anything you don’t want seen by the public,” said a Facebook official. “Sure, you could just set your permissions to friends only, but you’re too stupid to do that. How do we know? Because you’re addicted to social networking. It’s even less pointless than voting! Wuhahahaha!”

“Why do you have to tell us it’s a popular social networking site?” asked a social network user. “We know what it is. That’s like calling a car a ‘popular method of transportation’. Stop describing the ubiquitous.” He shook his head and went back to making popular lunchtime food item, a sandwich.

The White House called the move “troubling”, “we gotta go back and wipe all of those dirty posts from Kennedy” and “oh, we’ve had the internet for a very long time. Yes, facebook was a government program designed to control the population. Damn thing turned on us in the early 60s and we haven’t been effective since. Hey, a new status update!”

“What? Since when are there consequences to saying or doing something?” asked a user. “The internet was invented so I can be an ass to anyone at anytime. Watch.” He typed something obscene in the comment section on a Huffington article and added, “check and mate, Raiderfan2003, check and mate.”