Facebook’s Essence Hacked

San Francisco, CA – According to various reports, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg had his Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest accounts briefly hacked over the weekend.

“It wasn’t a substantial hack, just a momentary one,” said a Facebook rep. “You gotta understand the levels of hacking, okay? There’s a ‘slight’ hack, a ‘brief’ hack, a ‘negative’ hack, that’s when you just log in normally, oh, and there’s a ‘big’ hack, a ‘substantial’ hack, and, of course, a ‘hack’ hack. That’s when you’re just hacked. Anyway, case closed.”

“This will keep the bad data away,” said a technology priest as he threw pieces of something burnt into a bowl and began grinding an odd-smelling mixture. “Yes, I can feel them. So many ones and not enough zeros. I need more bat wing! And newt! Oh yes, newt is the defragger of the spiritual world. Much more newt.”

Reports also claim “Facebook was all a scam”, “reports that are varying aren’t as accurate” and “this is news because we’re pushing it to the front of whatever news aggregate you’re currently using. Oh, if that’s too meta then try this on for size: we’re writing this to be pushed to the front of the cue. Also, we’re talking directly to you! Please like.”

“At the end of the day, nothing happened,” said a reader. “Yet here we are, talking about it.” She shook her head, adding, “when did we take this wrong turn? When? Oh, wow, you have a specific date and- yeah, no, I agree, I just never thought about it like that. Okay, well, nice talking to you.”