FDA Encourages You To Buy ‘Whatever’

Atlanta, GA – In a move that could help the government trim its burgeoning health care costs, the Food and Drug Administration may soon permit Americans to obtain some drugs used to treat conditions such as high blood pressure and diabetes without obtaining a prescription.

“We’ve given up on those people,” said a top FDA official. “If you have diseases that we associate with the lower class then good luck with that. We don’t care.” He snapped his fishing rod and sent the line far into the lake, adding, “now keep it down, you’ll scare away the fish.”

“Yes!” shouted the CEO of a major pharmaceutical company. “Now we can go back to selling sawdust and sugar pills!” He skipped around his office, singing, “I’m gonna make some monnnnneeeeeey! I’m gonna make some monnnnneeeeeey!”

Watchdog groups called the announcement “confusing”, “then why did you restrict cheap and effective Canadian pills for decades?” and “if we weren’t so invested in constantly complaining, we’d totally do something drastic with this information. We don’t know what we’d do, that’s the point. Ugh, forget it. Pills?”

“So I can just buy pills?” asked a sick man. “But the only thing keeping me safe is federal oversight. Well, that and the pharmaceutical companies don’t want to get sued for killing me. Plus that’d be super bad for business. So what’s the point of federal oversight? Besides giving federal workers jobs?” He thought for a long time, then took two Advil and went to sleep.