Washington DC – The Food and Drug Administration says makers of hand sanitizers need to show they’re safe and work as well as people believe they do.
“Look, this product has been out on the market for a solid twenty years,” said a low-level FDA official. “So it’s about time to start questioning it, it’s function, it’s purpose, it’s effectivity.” He wiped his nose on his sleeve, adding, “why not, right? We all gotta keep busy, or whatever.”
“Our product is as safe as lead or poison,” said a hand sanitizer executive. “And yes, it’s supposed to be poisonous, that’s the whole point. We kill bacteria that makes you sick. We’ve kept you healthy for lo these many years and we’d appreciate a thank you or a card or something. Yes, ‘lo.'”
The FDA is also looking into the effectiveness of “the pill”, “tissues” and “the FDA. Wait a minute, is that right? Well, we can tell you right now, we’re super effective. Case closed. No, case closed!”
“They’re pretty good,” said a woman. “But not as good as washing with soap and water. Hold on, are you identifying me as just a woman and not as the head of a hospital? That’s very insulting. No, I am a woman, but- yes, I understand that gender diversity is important, but I’m more than- okay, now you’re just being obstinate. You’ll hear from our lawyers.”