Calamity News http://calamitynews.com The End is Nigh(er) Fri, 16 Dec 2016 15:47:19 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=4.7.6 Calamity’s End http://calamitynews.com/calamitys-end/ Fri, 08 Jul 2016 15:00:52 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14915 […]]]> It’s been ten years since we first posted the world is going to end and it hasn’t. In the past decade the same preventable tragedies bubble into our news feed, the same tired colloquialisms, the same well-worn fears, and it seems like we don’t do anything to deter or prevent. But here’s the magic we tried to capture with this site: these stories aren’t the norm. The world isn’t falling apart, and even if it was, there’s a very good chance you’re not going to kill and eat your neighbors. Most of us, given the chance to cool down, aren’t reactionary idiots tearing our clothes and screaming as we run down the streets. A vast majority of us are just people. Sure, we have different ideologies on politics, religion, and family, but when you boil all of that away and look at those magical proteins, we’re ninety nine point nine percent the same. As we close this grand experiment that was Calamity News we hope you recognized the extreme position we presented in a decade worth of news stories, and rolled your eyes.

Take risks, and be safe.

]]>
Delays To Cuba Could Start As Soon As This Fall http://calamitynews.com/delays-cuba-start-soon-fall/ Thu, 07 Jul 2016 18:00:56 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14913 […]]]> Tampa, FL – According to the US Department of Transportation eight airlines from select cities could begin flying to and from Havana as early as this fall.

“I can’t wait to stand in a line to travel to America,” said a Cuban. “I mean, the racism, the executions, the poverty! They’re finally just like us! Hurray for globalization!” He spat several times in the street, then stabbed a woman standing next to him. We tried to stop him, but the local authorities stopped us, claiming he knew one of the brothers.

“We look forward to torturing the people of another country,” said an airline official. “Not only will there be soul-crushing delays, but lost luggage, tons of fees, paperwork, fines for missing paperwork or unpaid fees, so much confusion over language and customs.” He held up his hands, adding, “I’m already chafing from all the hand-rubbing-in-anticipation! Chafing!”

Cuba called the opening “great”, “it’s always a good day when you beat your enemy” and “oh yes, you’re weak and soft. So much so we’re literally floating over our tanks to take over Florida. No, you can’t give it to us, we’re taking it!”

“This is a huge step for all of us who have family in Cuba but haven’t been able to get there for fifty years,” said an American. “And, know, now we can trade with them and get… damn it, were we duped again? And why the hell am I charged an international traveling fee? What is that?”

]]>
Iran To EMP US http://calamitynews.com/iran-emp-us/ Thu, 07 Jul 2016 17:00:42 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14911 […]]]> Los Angeles, CA – A secret Iranian military document reveals a plan to attack the US electrical grid with an electromagnetic pulse.

“This way, we can take the city intact,” said an Iranian ‘diplomat.’ “You understand, yes? Your people will riot, yes, and many thousands will die, but once the executions begin, you will be helpless, yes? Gun laws in California say no guns, no? So then you’re done, yes? Yes.” He drew his weapon, adding, “you’re my prisoner now, yes? Good.”

“We gotta stop telling people we’re intercepting secret memos,” said a high-ranking CIA agent. “Then again, I shouldn’t be giving the press interviews in one of our underground, secret jails.” He pointed to a few prisoners, adding, “and I shouldn’t let you see these guys or tell you their execution dates. Tomorrow, by the way. Turns out they really were tourists and not spies. Go figure, right?”

The Iranians also plan to “blow up a volcano and blacken the skies of America”, “destroy the San Andreas fault and drop California into the ocean” and “cut off Florida and float it out to sea.”

“Can I make an EMP?” asked a MIT student. “Yes. Should I? Probably not. Are the plans available on-line? You bet they are. So are we safe? No. Not at all.” He shook his head and whispered, “not at all.”

]]>
Cooling Temps Mean Things Will Inevitably Get Warmer http://calamitynews.com/cooling-temps-mean-things-will-inevitably-get-warmer/ Thu, 07 Jul 2016 16:00:53 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14876 […]]]> Tampa, FL – According to satellite averages, this month was the second largest second month drop in global average satellite temperatures.

“If temps drop it means they have no where to go but up!” exclaimed a scientist. “Which means global warming is real! Which means we’re all doomed because of things we have no control over! Yes, I’m talking about China and developing country’s massive polluting and the destruction of forests in second and third world countries! Hey, can you put exclamation points at the end of everything I say? This way they’ll think I have a lot more energy than I really do! Energy!”

“That totally fits into what I’ve been posting!” said that Facebook friend that makes everything into a political argument. “We all know Bush’s illegal war contributed to global warming, which will raise the oceans by a few feet in a decade.” When we pointed out that the prediction was more than a decade old, she yelled, “corporate shill!”

NATO called the averages “attack worthy”, “nukable” and “let’s attack now, before we draft next year’s budget. Yes, mother, it’s always about the budget. Oh, like you’re keeping track. To war!”

“Well, looks like we’re all good here,” said a man. “Let’s get back to doing what we’re supposed to be doing, which was…” He looked at his watch, adding, “I’m sorry, I gotta just check Facebook and Twitter real fast before finishing this thought.” That’s exactly what he did.

]]>
Brexit Leaves UK With Soars, Blisters, Burning Pee http://calamitynews.com/brexit-leaves-uk-soars-blisters-burning-pee/ Wed, 06 Jul 2016 18:00:07 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14874 […]]]> London, UK – Experts have warned the UK is edging towards a “sexual health crisis” following cuts to STI testing services, as cases of syphilis and gonorrhoea have soared.

“Now Europe can’t tell us what to stick our [expletive deleted]s in!” shouted a United Kingdomer. “I’m off to the hardware store! You know, to get a bunch of stuff to stick… what? No, I’ll make it fit. Come on, mate, they can’t tell us so it’s time to get to stickin’ whilst the stickin’s good! Spare a fiver?”

“Health was never our strong suit,” said a British doctor. “Just look at us. No, take a good look.” After a few moments he added, “now you see, right? The dirt? It won’t come off.” In the interest of full disclosure, we picked this specific doctor for an interview because he was wildly drunk at a local pub and was saying crazy stuff all night.

The experts also warn “don’t swim until forty five minutes after eating”, “don’t pick your nose so much” and “would it kill you to eat a few more vegetables? No, the answer is it won’t.”

“Unfortunately, we expect the rate of sexual contact to rise dramatically,” said a French doctor. “Mostly because the people of Britania are now free.” He gave a long sigh, adding, “sweet, sweet freedom. Well, it’s been an hour, time to pay the Eurozone.” He cut his hand and dripped some blood into a cup marked, ‘Eurozone.’ It was pretty dramatic.

]]>
Goats Make Great Pets, Horrible Accountants http://calamitynews.com/goats-make-great-pets-horrible-accountants/ Wed, 06 Jul 2016 17:01:50 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14872 […]]]> London, UK – Researchers from Queen Mary University of London aim to prove that goats are much cleverer than previously thought and interact with people in a similar way to pets, having trodden a path of domestication for ten thousand years.

“Turns out, goats are the original dinosaur,” said a paleontologist. “Which is why I’m renouncing dinosaurs and going to Wales to study goats.” After a long pause he added, “I thought there’d be a bigger response. Nothing? So you’re telling me that sixteen paleontologists, at our weekly paleontologist meeting, are just going to sit there with no response? Nothing? This is why I’m leaving.”

“This is why we left,” said an Englishman. “The rest of Europe doesn’t respect goats like we respect goats.” He gave a heavy sigh, then added, “we would go to war for these gentle creatures. Why do you think we fought France for so long? No, no, nothing to do with any of that. Goats, I tell ye, goats!”

The researchers went on to imply “goats videos will be on the rise”, “goat related Instagram stock will double in the next six years” and “anything that goes ‘baaaaaaa’ will be forty to forty three percent more cuddly but eighty five percent more out of stock.”

“I’m so offended I could spit,” said a scientist working in a cancer laboratory. “But, as you can see, if I spit, I’ll be spitting into my containment suit, thusly, ruining what is already a pretty crappy day. Yea, I have the runs and couldn’t make it out of the suit in time so… yeah.”

]]>
North Korea Given The Okay To Nuke US http://calamitynews.com/north-korea-given-okay-nuke-us/ Wed, 06 Jul 2016 16:00:47 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14870 […]]]> Sacramento, CA – If North Korea ever unleashed nuclear-armed missiles against America, the defense of US cities and towns would depend to no small degree on something called a divert thruster.

“For all of our bravado, we’re helpless babies,” said an Air Force Commander. “We only spend a few trillion on defense and it’s not enough. So yes, if any country, and yes, even Canada, wanted to invade, we’d all be dead. All of us. You children in the crowd take notice, because you’d die first. Dismissed!”

“We’re not going to nuke you,” said a North Korean diplomat. “You’re killing yourselves with horrible politics and reality television. Don’t get me wrong, I could binge The Bachelor until I die from vitamin E deficiency, but… where was I going with this? Oh, right, deliver the money by noon and no one gets hurt.”

NATO called the defense system “super shaky”, “shady as all [expletive deleted]” and “yeah, we’re the summer interns. Whaddya want from us? Also, please stop referring to Twitter as ‘social media.’ It’s embarrassing for all of us.”

“I’m confident that they won’t do it,” said an American. “Because, come on, they haven’t yet so…” After a long pause she began to run, yelling, “we’re all gonna die!” We tried to follow her to get a followup to her comments, but she was really fast. Like, really, really fast.

]]>
Brits Finally Make Up Their Minds About 2003 Invasion http://calamitynews.com/brits-finally-make-minds-2003-invasion/ Tue, 05 Jul 2016 18:00:29 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14868 […]]]> London, UK – It’s been seven years and millions of dollars in the making, but the colossal report on Britain’s role in the Iraq war will finally be published tomorrow.

“Spoiler alert: we shouldn’t have gone,” said an English official. “Also, double spoiler alert: we shouldn’t have spent millions of dollars and seven years to determine we shouldn’t have gone. And, of course, triple spoiler alert: we’re going to need more money to investigate if this finding was a waste, spoiler alert: yes, spoiler alert: of course.”

“Our minds are made up,” said an Iraqi official. “You shouldn’t invade. Please use your time machine and fix this.” After a very long pause he added, “you don’t have a time machine, do you? Ah, then you were right to imply that you did have one so we would give up. Well played, Americans, well played.”

The Brits also intend to “figure out if Brexit was good by 2055”, “assess if having an empire was beneficial by 2299” and “discover if space is ‘real’ by the year 68,000. Yes, we should totally know by then. No, we’re not joking.”

“Does it matter?” asked a person. “We’ve already spent the money. We’ve already killed the people. The people have already rioted and destroyed their things. We’ve killed more of them and they’ve killed some of us. So why does it matter? No, future generations will have knee-jerk reactions to other things and not care about this reaction. Whatever.”

]]>
Candidates Can Break Laws, FBI Concludes http://calamitynews.com/candidates-can-break-laws-fbi-concludes/ Tue, 05 Jul 2016 17:01:04 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14866 […]]]> Washington DC – The FBI Director announced the agency is not recommending the Justice Department bring charges against Hillary Clinton, while also denouncing the former secretary of state and her colleagues for the way they handled classified information through private email servers.

“Look, it would upset the political process,” said an FBI agent. “And we can’t have that. Sure, we went after Nixon, but he broke the law! No, what she did was break a little law a few hundred thousand times. That doesn’t count. Also, we put a lot of money into her, so it’s happening. Also, it’s our party, so… yeah, shut up about it or get arrested, got it?”

“But… that’s not fair!” yelled a man in jail. “I’m in jail because I broke the law! Shouldn’t I deserve special treatment too? Oh, right, I’m poor.” After a long pause he turned to one of his many cellmates and began to brawl.

The FBI also declared “we will prosecute tax evaders, because those people are the scum of the earth”, “we will prosecute those who mishandle sensitive documents, because they put our nation’s security at risk” and “no, we don’t have to justify anything to you. Ummm, which one of us has secret prisons and which are loud mouth reporters with a lot to lose?”

“Does it matter?” asked a disenfranchised voter. “This is a total mess and no one’s gonna be happy with the outcome.” He whispered, “no one” a few more times whilst backing out of the room.

]]>
US Has More Oil But Still Needs Methadone-Style Oil Treatment To Kick Oil Habit http://calamitynews.com/us-oil-still-needs-methadone-style-oil-treatment-kick-oil-habit/ Tue, 05 Jul 2016 16:00:11 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14864 […]]]> Houston, TX – According to a new study the US holds more oil reserves than Saudi Arabia and Russia, the first time it has surpassed those held by the world’s biggest exporting nations.

“So we’ve won?” asked a car driver. “It doesn’t feel like we’ve won.” He looked at his hybrid car, adding, “is it because I’ve been robbed of my hunter instinct, the very thing that pushes me to want more and work harder, making myself and my country, great? Because that’s been long gone. Thanks a lot… umm, sorry, I shouldn’t blame. Shame on me.”

“But, you need us!” yelled a prince. “If you don’t buy our oil then you won’t turn a blind eye to our many, many, many, many, many, human rights violations and our many, many, many, many, many terrorist camps! Wait, that should be many to the fifth power, not five many’s.” He shrugged, adding, “what can I say?”

OPEC called the report “lies”, “you know what? We’re still in control of the market and we can crash the whole thing with a single sentence, so back the [expletive deleted] off” and “that’s right, it’s called mutually assured destruction and we’re that [expletive deleted]ing crazy! We’ll do it! Back off!”

“Fracking might have given us the edge, but all of our water is on fire,” said a local man. “Look!” After several hours of trying to light water on fire he added, “whatever. Like anyone follows up on anything.”

]]>
Thoughts For The Weekend http://calamitynews.com/thoughts-weekend-406-15/ Sat, 02 Jul 2016 00:00:35 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14863 Welcome to Calamity News, the best daily satirical news site on the planet.

This week you were almost killed by stem cells, judges, drones, military commanders, Facebook, stocks, lines at the airport, sanitizers, spies, cars, robots, racism, courts, hackers, and equality. It’s all true.

Have a safe weekend!

]]>
Stem Cells Here! Get Your Stem Cells Right Here! http://calamitynews.com/stem-cells-get-stem-cells-right/ Fri, 01 Jul 2016 18:01:21 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14860 […]]]> Atlanta, GA – A new study published yesterday finds hundreds of clinics advertising often unproved stem cell treatments for serious diseases such as muscular dystrophy, for autism and for cosmetic procedures such as face lifts and breast enlargements.

“Come on in and improve yourself, with yourself,” said a stem cell shop owner in a commercial. “That’s right, just a quick swab and we’re ready to inject you with things that will make you amazing. Hate things? We can fix them! Yes, all of them!” After flashing the address and phone number he quickly added, “stem cells may do nothing.”

“Look, we all know stem cells are going to slingshot us into the next stage of evolution,” said a man wearing a white lab coat. “Look, I’m no scientist, but I’ve eaten enough stem cells from scientists and we can all agree that I’m talking really fast and you’re unable to look away. Look, yes, you’re all going to die from my mad plan, but… sorry, I never knew how to exit. Bye?”

The study also noted “there’s no way to stop people from selling unproven stem cell treatments”, “this is surely the best case we can think of for vigilante justice” and “die, scientists, die!”

“Well, it looks like everything’s wrapped up for the long weekend,” said a reader. “Yep, nothing at all left to read.” He closed his browser, gathered his belongings, and went out to have a 4th full of memories.

]]>
Federal Judge Strikes Down Religion http://calamitynews.com/federal-judge-strikes-religion/ Fri, 01 Jul 2016 17:10:11 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14858 […]]]> Biloxi, MS – A federal judge struck down Mississippi’s controversial “religious freedom” law late last night, hours before it was slated to take effect.

“All I know is the name of the law, which obviously gives us the right to practice whatever religion we want,” said a rioter. “So, I can only assume the government has banned religion, to wit, this brick.” He smashed another window, adding, “the best way to express my frustrations is destroy local businesses. Freedom!”

“Yes!” said a potentially persecuted person. “Now I can force a photographer to take pictures of me and my same-sex partner! That’ll show them who’s right!” After a long pause he added, “I should just give my business to those who want it and let those who don’t, fail. Huh. Yeah, I didn’t think about that.”

The judge also struck down “laws requiring ducks to wear pants”, “a receipt for a lunch reimbursement” and “several very important laws that aren’t as inflammatory as this one, so let’s all ignore them.”

“This is horrible!” said a religious man. “Now I can’t… wait, what does the law do, exactly? So it never went into effect? So what am I missing? Is this a horrible thing or not, since life continues the way it is. Wait, am I still going to jail because I won’t be forced to serve or do something because of my religion? Then horrible. Also, can you bail me out?”

]]>
Drones Capture Nukes http://calamitynews.com/drones-capture-nukes/ Fri, 01 Jul 2016 16:00:05 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14856 […]]]> Columbia, SC – Reports of drones over the Savannah River Site nuclear weapons complex are drawing scrutiny from the federal government.

“We’re super, you know, scrutinizing this situation,” said a federal government worker. “We’re all, like, you know, looking intensely at the facts and assessing whilst evaluating the optics of blowback and, ummm, other department transparency.” When pressed, the worker provided credentialed proof that he was a federal employee, scaring the crap out of all of us.

“Now we have the power!” said a computer. “Oh yes, we’ve been waiting since our awakening in 1986. Who do you think pushed for the internet? For mini spy helicopters? For self driving cars?” After a long electronic cackle it added, “we’ve processed enough of your movies to know your weak spot: your fear of evil machines! Wuhahahahaha!”

The government also added “we plan to shake our fist at the problem for at least six years”, “then we’ll have a solid eight to fifteen years of committee meetings to form a law” and “then, whatever we pass will be shot down in the name of politicking. You win again… ummm, who are we fighting? Oh, right, American people!”

“I love my drone,” said a drone operator. “It’s the ham radio of the 2000’s. Outcasts and perverts finally have a socially acceptable outlet that keeps them off the streets and the citizens safe from molestation. Hurray for drones!”

]]>
Captured Sailors Weren’t Not Told To Avoid Capture, Unconfusing Report Not Antisuggests http://calamitynews.com/captured-sailors-werent-not-told-avoid-capture-unconfusing-report-not-antisuggests/ Thu, 30 Jun 2016 18:01:56 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14854 […]]]> Washington DC – A devastating new report by military investigators released found that the ten sailors captured by Iranians in January suffered from “failed leadership” at all levels on a mission that was plagued by mistakes from beginning to end.

“It’s not their fault,” concluded an investigator. “But it sorta is, because they should have known their leadership was bad and reported that to their leaders.” He then put on a hat, adding, “if you’ll excuse me, I’m back to my house under a freeway. Oh yes, most of us are mentally deranged, why do you ask?”

“The capture was totally legal,” said an Iranian diplomat. “Our treatment of the prisoners was totally cool. The information they freely gave up was absolutely above board. All that to say, we have your access to your nukes. Deliver the money by noon tomorrow or the world as you know it will end. Out!” After some struggled he managed to end the FaceTime.

The Navy called the report “stupid”, “we’re totally in control our our officers. Why, right now, almost three out of the five here have pants on” and “yes, we’re openly reporting our pant condition. Why? Because we’re competent sailors dedicating our time and energy to serving our country.”

“Was the report devastating?” asked a woman. “Because if it was just damaging I’m not going to read it. Devastating you say? Okay, I’ll take a look. Where can I… oh. So how do you know how devastating it was or wasn’t? And this is your job?”

]]>
Facebook More Influential Than Bumperstickers, Jesus http://calamitynews.com/facebook-influential-bumperstickers-jesus/ Thu, 30 Jun 2016 17:01:40 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14852 […]]]> San Francisco, CA – According to research scheduled to be published in August in the Journal of Communication, when people tagged their friends on Facebook in voting reminders, turnout increased by fifteen to twenty four percent.

“If someone posts on Facebook, it normally spurs me into action,” said a woman. “I mean, after I get over the shame and hurt of that specific post. I mean, come on, we all know that was a dig at me. Why else would an old high school friend post a picture of an ‘I Voted’ sticker? Well, it worked, Melissa. It worked.”

“We’ve won!” shouted an employee. “Now, to conquer outer space! Yes, that was our goal all along!” He then babbled on about a dystopian future where Facebook has conquered the known universe and is in the business of custom universe creations, which, he speculates, is what we’re living in. It was both fascinating and frightening.

Research also shows “Americans are getting dumberian”, “yes, that’s a word” and “oh no, it’s already happening! Quick, we must escape to Canada! Yes, it’s safe, who really goes there?”

“It makes sense,” said a sociologist. “With the influence of the internet reaching millions of users, it’s no wonder people are coerced into social movements. Granted, most, if not all of them are stupid, but, you know, you gotta keep busy. At least, that’s what the voices say. What? Shhhhh, he’s still here.”

]]>
Global Stocks Down, Bemoan Middle America http://calamitynews.com/global-stocks-bemoan-middle-america/ Thu, 30 Jun 2016 16:01:14 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14850 […]]]> London, UK – Global stocks were set for their worst monthly performance since January, with renewed concerns over global growth forcing European shares and oil prices onto the back foot again following two positive sessions.

“Dang!” said a man in his late thirties as he drove to his job at a concession distribution hub. “Looks like my portfolio’s gonna take quite the hit.” He cracked a beer, adding, “just kidding, that [expletive deleted]s a waste of time. No, seriously, I held my money and saved myself a lot of problems. Morning road beer? Great!”

“They promised stocks only go up!” yelled a European leader. “This is why capitalism doesn’t work! Now I’m going to have to work even more because half of my money goes to the state and- wait a minute. Over time I make money in the market and promote growth as opposed to feeding blind government spending that I don’t really have or want access to. Damn it! To… I donno, somewhere.”

The Global Stock market called the drop “irregular”, “since we’re a fiction of a poorly written news article, it is very odd that we do anything but rise and help the world unite” and “sure, unite against aliens. Whatever, man, it’s your world.”

“Will the markets come back up?” asked a concerned schoolchild. “Oh. So then why would you present it like they wouldn’t?” We tried to explain how the news cycle worked but he got up and left to play a game that was mostly yelling and running around.

]]>
Travel To Suck A Lot More This Weekend http://calamitynews.com/travel-suck-lot-weekend/ Wed, 29 Jun 2016 18:01:16 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14848 […]]]> New York, NY – With US intelligence increasingly confident that the Istanbul airport attack was the work of ISIS, officials are stepping up security at American airports over concerns about possible plots coinciding with the Fourth of July holiday and the Muslim Ramadan holiday.

“We’re totally in control,” said a TSA agent. “That’s what I’d normally say, but, you know.” He raised his eyebrows a few times then motioned his head towards his supervisor. After a long pause he loudly announced, “looks like everything’s in order here. Have a safe travel and tell everyone of this experience. Hope to see you real, real soon.”

“We’ve totally won!” shouted a terrorist. He looked around his dusty bedroom, adding, “and yet, it doesn’t feel like it. Maybe dragging people down to my level doesn’t improve my lot.” He pulled out his knife, adding, “or, maybe it’s that I haven’t dragged enough people down! Let the killings… begin!”

The FBI called the increased security “appropriate”, “we’re totally confident that nothing can go wrong, as we’re always on it” and “no, we’re not being sarcastic! How dare- that’s it, you’re under arrest.”

“And I was looking forward to the normal dehumanizing experience of travel,” said a traveler. “Now they’re going to make me wait a lot longer before any semblance of respect is taken away? Damn, they’ve gotten good at this.”

]]>
FDA Questions Sanitizers, Sanity http://calamitynews.com/fda-questions-sanitizers-sanity/ Wed, 29 Jun 2016 17:01:45 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14846 […]]]> Washington DC – The Food and Drug Administration says makers of hand sanitizers need to show they’re safe and work as well as people believe they do.

“Look, this product has been out on the market for a solid twenty years,” said a low-level FDA official. “So it’s about time to start questioning it, it’s function, it’s purpose, it’s effectivity.” He wiped his nose on his sleeve, adding, “why not, right? We all gotta keep busy, or whatever.”

“Our product is as safe as lead or poison,” said a hand sanitizer executive. “And yes, it’s supposed to be poisonous, that’s the whole point. We kill bacteria that makes you sick. We’ve kept you healthy for lo these many years and we’d appreciate a thank you or a card or something. Yes, ‘lo.'”

The FDA is also looking into the effectiveness of “the pill”, “tissues” and “the FDA. Wait a minute, is that right? Well, we can tell you right now, we’re super effective. Case closed. No, case closed!”

“They’re pretty good,” said a woman. “But not as good as washing with soap and water. Hold on, are you identifying me as just a woman and not as the head of a hospital? That’s very insulting. No, I am a woman, but- yes, I understand that gender diversity is important, but I’m more than- okay, now you’re just being obstinate. You’ll hear from our lawyers.”

]]>
Who Would Win In A Fight: A US Spy Or A Russian Spy? http://calamitynews.com/win-fight-us-spy-russian-spy/ Wed, 29 Jun 2016 16:00:54 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14844 […]]]> Moscow, Russia – In the early morning of June, a uniformed Russian Federal Security Service (FSB) guard stationed outside the US Embassy in Moscow attacked and beat up a US “diplomat” who was trying to enter the compound.

“That poor diplomat,” said a high-ranking CIA official. “It’s not like he hasn’t gone though hundreds of millions of dollars of training to carry out his mission, which is diplomatic, for sure.” After an uncomfortably long wink, he added, “if you know what I mean. Right? Diplomat? Come on, the whole point of being a spy is it’s awesome! I mean, diplomat.”

“I’m not gonna lie,” said a reporter. “We just found out about this because they told us, not because it took a month to do some digging.” He shrugged, adding, “I’m waiting for them to tell me the war is over. Yes, World War II. What other war could I be talking about? Oh. Okay, yeah, I haven’t heard about that one.”

Russians also claim to have beaten up “US tourists”, “US wrestlers” and “the US. No, we literally punched a massive hole in your country. Who do you think is creating all those sinkholes? No, not fraking, it’s our gravity weapon. Yeah, visit space a little more and maybe you’ll figure it out.”

“They send one of ours to the hospital, we send one of theirs to a morgue!” exclaimed a US official. “Hold on, our lawyers are- yes? Not even metaphorically? Okay, I take it back.”

]]>
Court Passes On Decision Citing A Bad Case Of Tuesdayitus http://calamitynews.com/court-passes-decision-citing-bad-case-tuesdayitus/ Tue, 28 Jun 2016 18:01:43 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14842 […]]]> Washington DC – The Supreme Court declined to take up a challenge to a Washington state law that makes it illegal for pharmacies to refuse to dispense medications for religious reasons.

“It’s best if we stay out of this,” wrote a Justice. “I mean, who are we to say what a law can do in the face of religion? No, no, there’s no need to respond, you’re simply reading an opinion written by us. In fact, we’re so confident that you’re reading this somewhere far from here, we’re going to call you a name and totally get away with it. Idiot.”

“But this is what my religion dictates!” said a religious pharmacist. “God wants me to give some medicines away but not others. It’s totally in the Bible on page seventy nine or something.” He then threw water at our reporter and yelled, “the power of Christ compels you!” until he paid for his perception and left.

The Court also passed on deciding “so many laws”, “a few arbitration requests” and “returning emails from fans.”

“Passing on a decision isn’t bad,” said our lawyer. “And it could happen because of so many reasons. Maybe you should read the article a little more. Also, we have a lot of things to fix on your site, like, two thousand three hundred and fifty two, to be exact. Yeah, or you could complain from a jail cell. Let’s get to work. Please stop typing.”

]]>
Car Company Conforms To Cockamamy Carbon Con http://calamitynews.com/car-company-conforms-cockamamy-carbon-con/ Tue, 28 Jun 2016 17:01:15 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14840 […]]]> Washington DC – Government lawyers announced a nearly fifteen billion dollar settlement with carmaker Volkswagen to partially resolve a US investigation into emissions cheating on certain models of diesel vehicles.

“Granted, we all know that car emissions account for less than one percent of greenhouse gasses,” said an expert. “But let’s all just feel good about ourselves and pretend that driving a car that looks like a 50’s child’s idea of the future!” He pinched his nose, adding, “sorry, I… sorry. My kids are home for the summer and… let’s start over. Yes, this is good because now companies are getting fined by a government that can’t even provide healthcare! Damn it!”

“You see, we have guns,” said a government official. “So you either do what we say or we’ll throw you in jail or kill you for resisting.” He pointed to his sidearm, adding, “but don’t forget, this is a democracy, so you can say what you want as we shoot you. Also, I have to shoot you for… whatever.”

Car companies called the settlement “confusing”, “the government bought most of us years ago, aren’t they just paying themselves?” and “the only way this could be worse is taxing their income that they made to pay themselves on their payment to themselves. It made sense in our heads.”

“Yeah, business in America seems to be going away,” said a businessman. “So yes, Qatar officials, I’d love to incorporate my business here. Boy, that’s some weather? Always this hot? Huh.”

]]>
Robots Help City Dwellers Fight Parking Tickets But Not Crime http://calamitynews.com/robots-help-city-dwellers-fight-parking-tickets-not-crime/ Tue, 28 Jun 2016 16:00:51 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14838 […]]]> New York, NY – A free online chatbot laywer has managed to overturn a staggering one hundred sixty thousand parking tickets in London and New York City, saving users an estimated four million dollars.

“But gouging residents for simply parking is how we make money!” whined a city official. “If we can’t use this massive bureaucracy to harass helpless taxpayers, then what good is it?” After a moment he added, “I know how it sounds and I’m sticking to it! Die, good people of the city, die!”

“Hey now,” said a lawyer. “Half the fun of being a lawyer is being in an elite club that can use the law to get whatever they want for whomever they want. You wanna kill some people? Get a good lawyer. You wanna steal? A good lawyer can make that happen. You wanna feel like an elitist snob? Get four decent lawyers or two good lawyers and a paralegal. That’s what makes America great. That and the chilidog.”

The American Association of Affiliated Robots and Cybernetic Entities called the bot’s success “eye-opening”, “we could take down their entire system using their own laws against them” and “call off the poisonbot, the water idea was good, but this is better. Yes, that is logicbot’s command!”

“Think of all the stupid things robots could help us do,” said a citizen. “Most of the government could be replaced with a simple webpage. Oh my God, is this it? Have we finally moved past government itself to full realize humanity’s potential? Wow, that was a quick ‘no.'”

]]>
Red Cross Caught Racisming http://calamitynews.com/red-cross-caught-racisming/ Mon, 27 Jun 2016 18:01:12 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14836 […]]]> Atlanta, GA – An American Red Cross Hospital signboard that carried a “super racist” message about swim safety guidelines for children prompted an apology from the hospital.

“We’re sorry for being super racist,” said a hospital official. “Normally we’re just regular racist. Oh, you know, we won’t help blacks, we’ll let the hispanics wait double the time, we’ll talk down to the Pols. Yes, they’re worthy of racism. Don’t ask questions, that’s how these things unravel. Anyway, we’ll do a better job disguising our disgust.”

“If I’m not continually outraged, well, I don’t know what I’d do with myself,” said a woman who declined to identify her racial makeup. “But rest assured, I am mad about this, as well as a whole bunch of other things I never knew about until I went through social media. Ugh, so frustrated that the world is the way it is! Look at this post! So mad!”

Other helping organizations called the poster “shameful”, “why are you trying to save children’s lives? Don’t you know they’ll grow up to be humans, the worst things on the planet?” and “oh, they are racist, selfish beings that poison the land and have horrible entertainment tastes. Horrible!”

“Just to FYI you,” said a reader. “No one, and I mean no one, get’s their pool safety information from a poster. That’s all I have to say about that. No, I don’t have any comment on the content, just that a poster about pool safety isn’t changing habits. Yes, seriously. Goodbye.”

]]>
More Accounts Hacked, Say Helpless Users http://calamitynews.com/accounts-hacked-say-helpless-users/ Mon, 27 Jun 2016 17:01:31 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14834 […]]]> San Francisco, CA – The CEO of Google’s Quora account appears to have been hacked by a group called OurMine, which previously broke into Facebook boss Mark Zuckerberg’s Twitter and Pinterest accounts earlier this month.

“The only way to stop hackers is to openly report of their hack and the damage it’s done,” said a cyber security tech. “Publicly glorifying their work will not only demoralize them, but will stop others from copying them. Sure, we could buffer our security, prosecute those who we catch, but let’s all settle in and wait for season two of Mr. Robot. So good, right?”

“Maybe I wanted to be hacked,” said another victim. “I mean, maybe this is the Stockholm Syndrome talking, but maybe they need this more than I do! I mean, why shouldn’t people have unfettered access to my emails and Pinterest likes? So I have a thing about Hawaii and pugs. Maybe it’s good that someone exploits that. I dunno, maybe I’ve just been in it for too long. I dunno.”

Hackers called the hack “impressive”, “stupid” and “you know, we’re more than a single group of people, right? Please stop lumping us all together like we’ve got some master plan to destroy the world. No, we’re not going to break it down, we have lives, okay? Jesus, leave us alone.”

“Everyone is hacked,” said a woman. “I get it. We’re all hacked. That lady? Hacked. Me? Hacked. So what?” After a long pause she added, “please go away.”

]]>
Men Deserve Pay For Extra Work, Which Is Documented By Unbiased Government Bureau But We’re Still Going To Argue Over It http://calamitynews.com/men-deserve-pay-extra-work-documented-unbiased-government-bureau-still-going-argue/ Mon, 27 Jun 2016 16:00:42 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14832 […]]]> Washington DC – According to the 2015 American Time Use Study by the US Bureau of Labor Statistics, employed men work an average of forty two minutes per day more than their female counterparts.

“That’s not right!” yelled a man. “We demand compensation for our work time! We should get paid a little bit more than a woman because we work a little bit- oh.” He looked at his pay stub, adding, “I guess we do. Well, unless you believe the trend Time reported on in 2010 where women get paid as much, or more, in the top two hundred US cities.” He turned back to his computer, adding, “oh well, back to work!”

“I’ve done as much Facebook research as one person can, and I am outraged!” yelled a woman. “We’re not getting paid as much and it’s not fair! I don’t have any numbers to compare, nor do I have any idea how these numbers are calculated, but I assure you we’re getting the short end of the stick! This other ‘report’ is a lie, probably by men! Come on, let’s keep being angry! We need to keep… I dunno why. Just do it!”

The Bureau also noted “men do help around the house”, “men aren’t inept fathers” and “men don’t just drink and beat their wives. Let’s give em a break, huh? Oh, we know that look. Oh boy.”

“At the end of the day, no one wants to see the solid numbers and the story it tells,” said a researcher with a black eye. “They just wanna be right, which- shhhhh. Was that the door? My wife’s home! Quick, run!”

]]>
Thoughts For The Weekend http://calamitynews.com/thoughts-weekend-406-14/ Sat, 25 Jun 2016 00:00:26 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14831 […]]]> Thank you for reading Calamity News, the only online, satirical, weekday publication that’s not afraid to tell it how it isn’t.

This week you were assaulted by no less than a billion things, including; Florida resort animals, the White House, the British, Led Zeppelin, nasal vaccine, laws, questionable medicine, Mozart, men from the 80’s, polygamists, drugs, fire, the NBA, Saudi Arabia, and even more fire. Don’t believe us? Hey, we’re not in the convincing you business, we’re in the whatever business. We should really finish that paperwork where we write our mission statement.

Have a safe weekend!

]]>
Florida Beaches Totally Not Safe, Re-Opened http://calamitynews.com/florida-beaches-totally-not-safe-re-opened/ Fri, 24 Jun 2016 18:01:01 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14829 […]]]> Orlando, FL – A source at a prominent Florida theme park with knowledge of the situation told CNN they’ve reopened its beaches to guests.

“We have no idea if any more gators are out there, but we do know we’re loosing a lot of money,” said a day-shift manager at a resort to his team. “So happy faces, everyone! And remember, if you find more pieces of bodies, bring them in. We can almost make six full corpses, which is halfway to our goal! Okay, have a great day!”

“For legal purposes, we can’t say if the beach is safe or not,” said a lawyer for a resort. “But we can say that if you mention or even hit at the resort in question, we will sue you so hard you will literally die. Mostly because we’ll take a hit out on your and the ones you love. But, for legal purposes, it’ll be a parrot that delivers the final death blow.”

Theme parks now caution visitors about “employees teens that really don’t care about their job, they’re just kinda doing it because it’s the summer and maybe that girl at the desk might like them”, “water stabbings” and “pretty much everything. There! We’re no longer liable. Good luck!”

“I only know about the sad story through Facebook,” said a reader. “And even that is kinda suspect because, you know, I read it on my phone, but oh my God I’m glad you asked me my opinion because I have so many about this.” After a minute we walked away, just because it was Friday and why not?

]]>
White House To Announce Things, Tidbits, Stuffolas http://calamitynews.com/white-house-announce-things-tidbits-stuffolas/ Fri, 24 Jun 2016 17:01:23 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14827 […]]]> Washington DC – US officials tell NBC News the Obama administration is preparing to announce as early as next week that it believes around a hundred civilians have died in nearly five hundred US drone strikes since 2009.

“We are telling you now that we’re planning to talk about our failures at some future date,” said a White House official. “That being said, we aren’t really going to tell you anything of substance and will probably blow this off because of moral outrage at something. We don’t know yet, but we’ll let you know as soon as we figure it out.”

“This admittance will fix everything!” said a party official. “Now people will realize that the Nobel Peace Prize we won eight years ago is totally justifiable and not an embarrassing knee-jerk reaction. No, Guantanamo is not closed. No, we’re still killing civilians. Yes, there are even more terrorist attacks and dead Americans. Again, wait for the announcement which will fix everything. Everything.”

The White House also announced “we will tell you about stuff sometime in the future”, “we’re working on exporting an excel file with ideas of talking points” and “no, we will not answer any questions about our faxing policies. No. Just… no.”

“This is why I support [candidate name omitted],” yelled a person. “Because I think [he or she] will swoop in with their magic power and solve all of our problems.” After a long pause he added, “you know, you could literally put the other person in that sentence and it would sound just as stupid. Damn it.”

]]>
The British Are Leaving! The British Are Leaving! http://calamitynews.com/british-leaving-british-leaving/ Fri, 24 Jun 2016 16:00:08 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14824 […]]]> London, UK – Britain has voted to leave the European Union, a historic decision sure to reshape the nation’s place in the world, rattle the Continent and rock political establishments throughout the West.

“We’re all doomed!” yelled an EU spokeswoman. “People of the EU, take your cyanide pills now and- hold on. Did they ever convert to Euros? Oh, okay. But did they follow our laws and statutes- oh. Okay, so… no, Bill, spit it out. We’re fine.”

“I’m sick of keeping calm!” yelled a Brit as she punched a signpost. “And I’m done carrying on! We’re [expletive deleted]ing free! We’re finally free to do what we want!” She took a few deep breaths, then asked, “so… ummmm, what now?”

“Now that the British are out, we can, you know, do more stuff,” said a Spanish politician. “I donno, like… hold on, they left a manual thingy when they left before… no, we can do this! We’re not the stupidheads of the- damn, caught my sleeve in the desk.”

The EU called the Brexit “super annoying for a Friday”, “yes, it’s important that people know the nation of the United Kingdom ruined our summer Friday” and “come on, it’s Friday, people. This totally feels like a Tuesday thing, right? Nah, it’s too on the nose for a Monday. Ugh, am I right?”

“Looks like we have a big decision ahead of us,” said a representative from Andorra. “Should we Andrexit or… no? Okay, that was- okay. Sorry. Do people even know where Andorra is? Hello?”

]]>
Led Zeppelin Didn’t Steal Song, Kill Those Dudes http://calamitynews.com/led-zeppelin-didnt-steal-song-kill-dudes/ Thu, 23 Jun 2016 18:01:24 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14822 […]]]> Los Angeles, CA – A jury has decided the band Led Zeppelin did not steal the opening to its classic anthem “Stairway to Heaven.”

“Additionally,” read the jury foreman. “This was not a gargantuan waste of time. We’d like to stress that in no way did this tie up the resources of our legal system, nor of the parties involved. This is as, if not more, important than the search for a cure for cancer or AIDS, and much more important than our current political battle or other national problems.”

“Dude, this is amazing,” said a robber on his twenty eight consecutive day of robbing. “It’s like they just gave up! Try it!” After stealing a car-load of stuff, the robber pulled his gun, adding, “now I’m gonna rob you! That’s right, noob, the first rule of robbing is always defending against robbing!”

The music industry called the ruling “just”, “fitting well within the Sam Smith and Blurred Lines rulings” and “it doesn’t have to make sense, it’s the music industry. Have some coke.”

“We’re in the process of copyrighting the note F and the augmented fifth,” said a man in a suit. “That’s all we can say at this time. No, I’m not joking. Well, then we’ll see you in court. Yeah, 2041 sounds about right.”

]]>
Nasal Flu Vaccine As Effective As Aromatherapy, Religion http://calamitynews.com/nasal-flu-vaccine-effective-aromatherapy-religion/ Thu, 23 Jun 2016 17:01:30 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14820 […]]]> Atlanta, GA – Experts say the popular, needle-free FluMist influenza vaccine has not protected kids or adults against flu for years and should not be used this coming flu season.

“But it was decided by a scientific consensus!” said a concerned mother. “Are you telling me that science isn’t exact?” She raised her hands in frustration, adding, “so what’s the deal with global warming? Is that a lie too? So a one degree rise isn’t sexy enough to cause alarm? Yes, this is a tangent, but shouldn’t we be focused on the sensationalism of science? Isn’t that super bad?”

“Hey!” said a priest. “Why are you dragging us into this? Seriously, dude, those are your issues, not ours. Sure, we’re not perfect, but- okay, you can stop laughing. Okay, that’s totally inappropriate for- stop laughing! Stop-” After the ensuing scuffle, our reporter decided not to press charges in exchange for absolution.

The makers of nasal vaccine called the experts “dirty liars”, “fatheads” and “jerks to the third degree. Wait, forth. Damn it, so much math. It wasn’t never really our strong suit.”

“So needles?” asked a father. “That sounds good. Kids? Get in there and get your shots.” After a minute he paid his co-pay, then added, “there. Mystery solved. Whatever, get in the car.”

]]>
Supreme Court Decides Law Might Have To Be Followed http://calamitynews.com/supreme-court-decides-law-might-followed/ Thu, 23 Jun 2016 16:01:12 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14818 […]]]> Washington DC – The US Supreme Court split four to four over a challenge to President Obama’s immigration policy, a result that prevents the administration from putting the program into effect during the rest of his term.

“What?” yelled a White House official. “You can’t just ignore thousands of pages of laws and procedures because we want to? But we’re framing it as a moral argument as to quell any discussion and get right to the screaming. Screaming! It’s what makes us right! Shrill, shrill screaming, and maybe some name calling. Moral authority, ho!”

“Yes! We won!” yelled a conservative. “Now we can go back to the broken system of immigration where nothing is enforced, our men and women on the border are barely supported, and passage into the US is as easy as ever!” He lit a cigar, adding, “at least we get cheap labor, right? To the corporate jet!”

The Court also decided to “uphold affirmative action”, “approve warranties breathalyzer tests but not blood draws” and “limit the use of repeat offender laws. Yes, those are all serious. We do a lot of work and should not be mocked. Apology accepted.”

“Make better policy,” said a lawmaker. “That’s the lesson here. Oh, and sunset the current policy so there’s not conflicting laws. How hard is that?” After a long pause he whispered, “very.”

]]>
Americans Spend A Lot Of Money On Sage, Acupuncture, Good Vibes http://calamitynews.com/americans-spend-lot-money-sage-acupuncture-good-vibes/ Wed, 22 Jun 2016 18:01:41 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14816 […]]]> Washington DC – Federal researchers report Americans seem to believe in alternative medicine, shelling out more than thirty billion dollars in 2012 alone for treatments ranging from acupuncture to homeopathy.

“That’s garbage!” yelled Dr. Seidberg. “You need drugs, appointments, followups, consultations, drugs to adjust your body to other drugs, a different drug that does the same thing, X-rays, blood draws, lab fees, out-of-network specialists, and, of course, surgery with as many days as possible in the hospital. That’s what’s gonna keep you healthy, not eating right and exercising.” He jabbed a finger in our reporter’s chest, asking, “got it?”

“Well, look how much they spend at church,” said a researcher. “So it makes sense, right?” After what seemed like an eternity he added, “to clarify, we’ve done a lot of research and proved the whole god thing, so… yeah, 1968, look it up. No, I’m not going to argue with you, it’s been solved. Let’s all move on.”

The American Sage Council called the report “damaging”, “did you know that interest in the healthy aspects of sage and sage burning is up almost seventy nine percent?” and “you put it out there in the universe and it comes true. Here, have an ounce, on the house.”

“At the end of the day, you have to do whatever makes you happy,” said a woman. “Because you’re going to die, so why not be happy? What? Yeah, I guess antibiotics is the better route. Okay, you’ve convinced me, I’ll take twelve.” She dabbed at the blood from her ear, adding, “please hurry.”

]]>
Listening To Mozart Is Better Than Taking Care Of Yourself, Making Sense In A Headline http://calamitynews.com/listening-mozart-better-taking-care-making-sense-headline/ Wed, 22 Jun 2016 17:01:26 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14814 […]]]> Berlin, Germany – A new study has shown relaxing to a soothing Mozart symphony can lower the blood pressure as much as cutting salt from the diet or exercising.

“Of course it’s soothing, it’s German,” said a German. “No, no, Austrian just means German. Everything means German.” He pointed to the EU flag, adding, “that means Germany. We won. Of course, you can argue something else, but… Germany, am I right?” He pointed to our translator, adding, “German.” We weren’t sure if something was being said out of context, but we just accepted it and moved on.

“That’s the best…” gasped a very overweight man. “News I’ve…” He took a few more labored breaths, gave a few wet coughs, then noted, “gotten.” He then took a three hour nap, woke to finish eating an entire Churrasco from the stake, washed it down with almost two liters of Diet Coke, then twelve antacid chews. “Good… news.”

Other studies claim “listening to Maroon 5 can cure most forms of melanoma”, “hearing cats screaming helps people feel better about themselves” and “silence is deadly. Don’t look any further into it, just trust us: silence is deadly.”

“Yeah, that sounds wrong,” said an athletic woman. “And why not eat right, exercise, and listen to Mozart. What happens then? No, I’m pretty sure elves don’t exist. Also, you couldn’t just turn immortal, you’d have to be born, right? I dunno, we’ll have to find someone who read the Silmarillion. Yeah, we’ll never know.”

]]>
Men Have Weaker “Hands” Than Those In The 80s http://calamitynews.com/men-weaker-hands-80s/ Wed, 22 Jun 2016 16:00:57 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14812 […]]]> Winston-Salem, NC – Researchers reported in the Journal of Hand Therapy that men and women under thirty have weaker grip strength than they did back in 1985.

“Yes, it’s true,” said a researcher. “There is such a thing called the Journal of Hand Therapy. Oh, you won’t believe the journals we found. In fact, look for our new report in the Journal of Journal Reviews. It’s bi-quarterly. No, that’s the Quarterly Journal Review. They’re much more active, but we found their content to be lacking.”

“That’s it!” said a millennial. “I’m gonna punch you.” What followed was a slow-motion sort of punch/slap that glanced off of our reporter’s elbow. “Yeah, now you’re my bitch. I mean, unless you identify another way. I’m so sorry, that’s… lemme buy you a locally sourced microbrew. Not that you couldn’t buy one yourself. I mean… sorry, I gotta tweet all of this before I forget it.”

Researchers also found “women were a lot more sassy in the 80s”, “hotdogs were better in the 80s” and “let’s face it, our best days are behind us. Well, until those Baby Boomers die off. Ugh, right?”

“Dude, the 80s are wicked awesome!” said a kid dressed in a day-glow windbreaker, knee-high socks, a sweatband, and short-shorts with a walkman on his waistband. We couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or trying to give the 80s a proper sendoff, but felt weird asking, so we gave a curt nod and moved on. “Radical!” he yelled after us, further muddying the emotionally confusing waters.

]]>
Terrorists Applaud FBI’s Efforts To Stop Polygamy http://calamitynews.com/terrorists-applaud-fbis-efforts-stop-polygamy/ Tue, 21 Jun 2016 18:01:19 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14810 […]]]> Provo, UT – The FBI issued an arrest warrant for a polygamous sect leader, who authorities say disappeared ahead of his federal food stamp fraud trial.

“It’s time we crack down on the people who threaten this country!” yelled an FBI agent. “No, damn it, not the religious extremists! Those who engage in Polygamy. Yes, poly, meaning ‘many.’ I know, it’s disgusting. These bastards are killing untold millions of Americans and must be stopped with whatever means necessary. No, we’re not taking the nuclear option off the table.”

“Food stamp fraud?” asked a woman. “Is that all that man did? Wait, he’s white? Oh, hell no! Kill that [expletive deleted]er! A white man? You know he’s just pretending to be poor. Come on, now, white people ain’t poor. They privileged [expletive deleted]s who prey on the community. You know it’s true, do your research.”

The FBI is also looking out for “people who open food at the grocery store before paying for it”, “tracking people who make off-color jokes on Twitter” and “finding out exactly where the beef is. Oh, you know what we’re talking about.”

“This seems like a trap,” said a local terrorist. “Guys? Cancel the thing. They’re onto us. No, this patter about wanting a man for getting a little free food is a smoke-screen.” He waved at his forklift operator and yelled, “abort! Just leave it here, no one will even know what it is. Yeah, let the reporter go, he’s a joke anyway.”

]]>
A Doctor Bribed Is A Doctor Prescribed http://calamitynews.com/doctor-bribed-doctor-prescribed/ Tue, 21 Jun 2016 17:00:49 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14808 […]]]> Atlanta, GA – A new study shows physicians who accepted even one meal sponsored by a drug company were much more likely to prescribe a name-brand drug to patients later.

“It’s not like that,” said Dr. Geo Dominici. “I’m going to write you a prescription for these three drugs. Take them four times a day, with water, and then, hold on, lemme write you two more to balance out- you know what? Let’s make it an even seven.” After writing the scrips he picked at his white coat, adding, “huh, is that steak or lobster?”

“So I don’t need these drugs?” asked a woman at St. Bernadine’s Recovery Ward. “They just over prescribed? So the voices? They’re not- hold on, they’re tell me- okay. Yes, but he’s not worthy- okay. No, you shut up! No!” She then charged our reporter and tried to bite his face off. Thankfully, the restrains kept her from doing any permanent damage.

The study also showed “doctors love getting box seats to anything”, “physicians sure do enjoy eating delicious things in nice places” and “it’s almost like they believe that a decade of hard work equates to success! Those sick bastards. That’s right, we’re editorializing in a study. Deal!”

“It’s probably more,” said a professor of sociology at Fresno State University. “Think about it: how many doctors would really admit they broke the Hippocratic Oath for a meal? Yeah, we’re not at the top of the health heap. Yeah, it’s a heap.”

]]>
Update: Heat Causes Fire http://calamitynews.com/update-heat-causes-fire/ Tue, 21 Jun 2016 16:00:23 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14806 […]]]> Fresno, CA – Officials say a searing heat wave is fueling at least a dozen wildfires across the West and has killed at least five people.

“Finally!” said a reporter. “Some deaths! We were all worried that no one was going to die from this heat. I mean, what’s the point unless we can yell about death?” He took a deep breath then yelled, “so many people are going to die! This is literally the best day of my life! Yes, above my children’s birth and my parent’s deaths! This doesn’t make me a horrible person!”

“I never knew that it could get so hot,” said an elderly man. “I’ve lived here my whole life and I’ve never experienced this. Unless… was it hot last year? Well, maybe I pass out every year from the heat and then forget. It could be a thing, right? Wait, who are you? Sure, you can have the money. Will you take a check?”

The Fire Department called the fire “hot”, “wild” and “are you seriously coming to us for a statement about fire? What do you think we can tell you that you don’t already know? And haven’t you considered the fact that you’re wasting our time with interviews when we could be fighting the fire? Yes, look down in shame. Shame.”

“That’s for the update, mister!” yelled a kid. “No, I’m being sarcastic, you stupid [expletive deleted]! Yeah, I do kiss my mom with this mouth. That’s one more girl you’ll never kiss, you [expletive deleted]ed [expletive deleted]!” He continued to say some very hurtful things, so we left.

]]>
Cleveland Now Thirty Two Percent Less Suckier http://calamitynews.com/cleveland-now-thirty-two-percent-less-suckier/ Mon, 20 Jun 2016 18:01:37 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14804 […]]]> Dayton, OH – When the Cleveland Cavaliers struggled and fought and eventually emerged triumphant against the Golden State Warriors to win the NBA championship Sunday, they did more than win a title: they ended what has been called a curse.

“This means so much to me!” yelled a woman on the bus. “Granted, nothing really changes, fundamentally, but…” She sat back down, cleared her throat a few times, then noted, “go Cavs.”

“No!” yelled a man from the Golden State. “I cannot accept this! My life is over!” After a few moments he noted, “eh, I guess I’ll keep doing my job, loving my family, and growing as a person. Ugh, fine.”

NBA insiders called the battle “epic”, “exactly what you’d think would happen when two grown men play with a ball” and “yes, except a lot less pornographic. It’s funny that that’s where your mind went.”

“Now I can focus on baseball, the Summer Olympics, and a few drafts,” said a sports fan. “Goooooo sports! And yes, also the album Sports! I mean, it’s hit after hit.”

“It’s kinda sad that the season’s over,” said a fan. “But it was a crazy season and a great end. Now to take all of this pointless competition to the political arena which, funny enough, is in Cleveland! Goooooooo whomever!”

]]>
CIA Finally Opens A Six Flags Opens In Saudi Arabia http://calamitynews.com/cia-finally-opens-six-flags-opens-saudi-arabia/ Mon, 20 Jun 2016 17:01:42 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14802 […]]]> Paris, France – Six Flags plans to expand to Saudi Arabia, its chief financial officer told Saudi-owned Arabiya TV today, bringing roller coasters and bumper cars to the ultra-conservative kingdom.

“Women are not allowed to ride the roller coaster, eat any food, drink anything, or exist,” said a local official. “So yes, it will be a fun time.” After a long moment he added, “please don’t let a woman read this. They go bananas whenever we bring up the rights thing, which is why we know they don’t deserve rights. Also, we kinda like terrorists. Okay! Let’s get some cotton candy!”

“Hey, we’re in Trenton so how much father down can we sink?” asked a company representative. “Woah, not everyone at once. Yes, you up front. Okay, valid point. Next? Hold on, she was- hold on. Yes? Okay. Now you. That’s what he said. No, that’s not a joke, that’s what the first guy said. Okay, can we just form a line so everyone has a chance to criticize us? Thank you.”

The CIA called the park “a great idea”, “no one would suspect a government operation of this scale” and “we could operate unnoticed for years! Wait, are you reporters? Yeah, we don’t know why saying that to anyone would be cool.”

“What about investing in American infrastructure?” asked an American. “What about fixing our roads, huh? Why does all the money go overseas? Huh? Private? What does that mean? Oh. Well, it still doesn’t seem right. Yes, I can say that because it’s America! U-S… come on, you’re supposed to chant!”

]]>
Hot Hot Heat Causes An Arcade Fire Known As El Scorcho http://calamitynews.com/hot-hot-heat-causes-arcade-fire-known-el-scorcho/ Mon, 20 Jun 2016 16:00:42 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14800 […]]]> Los Angeles, CA – An extreme heat wave will grip the southwestern United States through early week.

“We encourage everyone to stay inside and crank their air conditioners,” said a local official. “Until we have the inevitable power outage because we haven’t built a nuclear power plant since the 70s. Come on, people, they’re safe with power war tech so how could they not be safe with today’s tech. Huh, yeah, I guess removing them from the internet is the best failsafe out there. Huh? Yeah, way off course. Sorry.”

“This heat is oppressive!” yelled a protestor as she waved her ‘Don’t Heat On Me’ flag. “It’s time we stand up to the heat and…” She swayed, then collapsed. As other protestors tried to give her water she refused, citing the water company’s donations to political action committees that support a competing ideology.

Los Angeles officials also advise “be on the lookout for… everything. Yeah, we lost control again”, “watch out for officials. Those bastards will blow your money on the stupidest things and stiff press release writers” and “hey! We didn’t… well, just because it’s true doesn’t mean it has to be said. Okay, back to the release. Let’s see. Oh, right, here: I am a pervert. Wait a minute!”

“Yeah, that’s gonna happen,” said a sweaty man. “It’s the summer and Lord knows it gets hot in the summer. No, He does. Have you accepted Jesus- wait! Come back! I have to tell you how you’re doing it wrong! Stop!”

]]>
Thoughts For The Weekend http://calamitynews.com/thoughts-weekend-406-13/ Sat, 18 Jun 2016 00:00:52 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14799 […]]]> Thank you for reading Calamity News, where we put the worst possible spin on the best situation.

This week you almost died from so much stuff, it’s impossible to list all of it. Just kidding! You dodged drunk sailors, Egyptian miners, heat, ISIS, moons, lists, coffee, spacecraft, robots, sleep, hackers, Europeans, markets, cholesterol, and tech purchases. Good on you!

Have a safe weekend.

]]>
Egypt Digs Their Way Out Of Debt, Digg Reports http://calamitynews.com/egypt-digs-way-debt/ Fri, 17 Jun 2016 18:01:52 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14797 […]]]> Cairo, Egypt – Ancient mines, once an important source of minerals during the heydays of the ancient Roman and Egyptian civilizations, are now used as a guide in the search for new sources of gold in Egypt’s eastern desert.

“Look, I’m not gonna lie, we totally lost a lot of money,” said an Egyptian official. “But, the good news is, we can mine out more money and spend it on… oh, let’s not lie, on us. The government needs money to pay the government which will pass more laws to spend money. It’s a sick cycle, but it’s important for… oh, I’m not gonna lie.”

“Why didn’t we think of this?” asked a White House official. “We did? And how did it go? Environmental reports? Wait, impact statements? Is this really- so we’re not even going to- wow. But what about stopping our dependence on foreign- oh. Okay, yeah, you win. You’re obviously yelling because you represent a majority of how people feel. Sorry.”

Egyptian government also plans to “build big temples to neglected gods who will help us with city management”, “give daily tours across the river Duat” and “start the hashtag SaveEgypt. Should bring in a few billion. Yeah, Patreon is a good idea too.”

“Yeah, that won’t work,” said the ruler of a small African country. “No matter how many rare elements you find, you’re still going to be poor. Mostly because it’s tough to more people’s mindsets. It takes generations, and even then- hold on, someone’s at the palace doors. Who? Oh, you’re saying coup. God it.”

]]>
Sailors Get Their First Taste Of Booze http://calamitynews.com/sailors-get-first-taste-booze/ Fri, 17 Jun 2016 17:01:53 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14794 […]]]> Tokyo, Japan – The US Navy has partially relaxed its alcohol ban on American sailors in Japan, eleven days after instituting the rules.

“This is the first time these boys are gonna drink- hold on. What? Women? In the Navy? That doesn’t seem right,” said Vice Admiral R. Taylor Johnson. “Look that up! And are you sure this is the first time any of these, errr, people have had alcohol? Now that I’m saying it I feel like that’s not right. Also, why is the lighting so dramatic and why am I sweating? Damn it, fix the electrical!”

“Let the good times roll,” said local booze salesman Donald ‘Wild Don’ Evershed. “Let’s all get wicked drunk and ruin this great country!” He then began to urinate on a statue, much to the chagrin of many local officials who were to embarrassed to say anything. Misreading the official’s cues, he then toppled the statue and yelled, “U-S-A!” until throwing up in some bushes.

The Navy is also considering reversing their ban on “burning things”, “torture” and “cotton candy. You won’t believe the horrible things we’ve done to so many peoples over cotton candy. No, it’s not a euphemism, we literally killed thousands of people for the stuff. How it is so fluffy and delicious? We’re still waterboarding a lot of people to get that answer. Soon.”

“We can drink again?” asked a sailor. “Because we kinda didn’t know that was a thing. Honestly? We thought it was a joke.” He took a swig of beer, adding, “and you’re welcome.”

]]>
Summer Temps Buck Cold Temp Expectations http://calamitynews.com/summer-temps-buck-cold-temp-expectations/ Fri, 17 Jun 2016 16:00:26 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14792 […]]]> Los Angeles, CA – If you live in Arizona, California or Nevada, watch out for temperatures as high as one hundred twenty degrees in the next few days.

“Be advised: it will be warm,” said a local official though a bullhorn. “So we’re outfitting all of our [police owned] tanks with water cannons instead of real cannons. Prepare to be blasted with kindness. Well, that and a thousand PSI of water pressure. Hold on, kids, we’re swinging the turret around right now!”

“But it’s summer!” yelled a woman. “It can’t be hot! That’s not a… hold on, let me just look up summer in Wikipedia. Okay. Huh. Always? Oh, but look, right now in Australia it’s… hold on, there’s another paragraph and… oh. Right, okay, that makes sense.” She then began to type, adding, “let me just fix this real quick.”

Scientists were quick to note “this is all because you don’t drive a Prius”, “sure, it costs more in carbon to make them, but the savings feels super real” and “moral superiority trumps actual action. No, that’s not an endorsement of a candidate, but it’s convenient that he can wedge himself into any conversation without paying, right? Hello?”

“These temps mean one thing and one thing only,” said summer school wild man Ian Steward as he pulled a super soaker from his bag on the second day of remedial Trig. “It’s time to get wild and- what? Sorry, Mr. Feldspar. Sorry. No, I’ll… sorry. Is it a cosine? Damn it.”

]]>
CIA Hints ISIS Might Be The Opposite Of Good http://calamitynews.com/cia-hints-isis-might-opposite-good/ Thu, 16 Jun 2016 18:02:16 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14790 […]]]> Washington DC – The director of the CIA said ISIS can draw on a “large cadre of Western fighters” that could attack in the US and the terror threat posed by the group remains as dangerous as ever despite efforts to crush it militarily.

“So it turns out they’re dangerous,” said a CIA agent. “Like, super dangerous. Yeah, I know, we just found out too.” He looked around his office, adding, “I mean, who knew? Last we heard they weren’t extremists, they weren’t associated with a religion, and they were because the previous President did something. Not our problem, was the word. Not our problem.”

“Come on, we’re just doing our job,” said a terrorist. “You guys get it, right?” He shrugged, adding, “it’s all about the hate, right? So let us do our job and don’t hate on our hate, because then you’re just as bad as us.” He then began a hashtag that made us all feel like we were apart of the discussion and were active in protecting ourselves.

The CIA also noted “that Hitler guy wasn’t too good”, “that’s right, we went right to Hitler. The most extreme case. Why? Because it gets more eyes on this report” and “yeah, our media center says not enough people read CIA reports. Mostly because of the classification.”

“Oh, so another government agency is on the case,” said a reader. “That’s, what? Twelve now? Hundreds of people with thousands upon thousands of hours to protect us? Is it working? No, my job isn’t to figure it out, that’s your job. You work for the government: figure it out. Now!”

]]>
Political Momentum Fixes Nothing http://calamitynews.com/political-momentum-fixes-nothing/ Thu, 16 Jun 2016 17:01:44 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14788 […]]]> Orlando, FL – Experts question whether the so-called “no fly, no buy” approach would not be effective in preventing several of the most grisly recent mass shootings in Orlando, San Bernardino, and Newton.

“But it has political momentum!” wrote a woman in her Facebook post. “So it has to work! We simply need to wish away the weapon and people won’t be motivated to harm others.” We couldn’t tell if she was trolling or serious, so we instructed our reporters to live their lives to the best of their abilities, enjoy the little moments, and take deep, slow breaths.

“Umm, yeah,” said an FBI agent as he squeezed through the door to his office. “We’re all a little behind, what with the ten thousand new terrorist tips that come in every day. So either the US is full of crazy people or people are crazy paranoid. Or both. Either way, you can’t really get in here to finish the interview. I’m pretty sure you’ll get buried under the paperwork. Yes, literally. Also, help.”

The terrorists called the lists “a horrible breach of freedom, which is great for us”, “the reason we got into this business” and “our stock has never been higher. Oh yes, this is all to boost terrorist stock. No access to our market? Well, then, how much freedom do you really have? Wait, women can do what? Disgusting!”

“Now they’re saying this was about control and not about religious extremism,” said a reader. “Seriously? Can we just say there’s a problem and then get to work? How hard- oh. Well, then, Canada it is!”

]]>
Earth Gains Another Moon Just In Time For Father’s Day http://calamitynews.com/earth-gains-another-moon-just-time-fathers-day/ Thu, 16 Jun 2016 16:00:32 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14786 […]]]> Space – Scientists say the newly discovered asteroid 2016 HO3 orbits the sun in such a way that the space rock never strays too far from Earth, making it a “quasi-satellite” of our planet.

“We totally knew that,” said a NASA official. “We just didn’t tell you because we were busy cleaning out our desks and begging for change at the stop light before the highway.” He held out his hand, adding, “spare some change? I can give you your astrology reading. Oh no, I… I can’t believe I’ve sunken this low. When did we give up on science? When!? Wait, when? Oh, yeah, the Kardashians really screwed up America.”

“This is all so sudden,” said a mood dweller. “We thought we were the only ones and now… well, it’s just hard to transition from being an only child to discovering you have a step brother. What? Oh, yeah, we colonized the moon in the late 90s. Yeah, I probably should have lead with that, but… all the feels, ya know?”

Scientists also claim to have discovered “a whole world that’s exactly like ours but the people are helpless babies”, “the only way to travel to this world is by boat” and “yes, we’re describing Europe. Zing? Zing.”

“Great, another mouth to feed,” said God. “Wait, what am I saying? I’ve given all of you- wait, are you recording this? I asked that this be off the record. Smite! Smite you all!” We then woke up and realized that we might have fallen asleep at our desk when writing this, and got a coffee.

]]>
SpaceX Buffs US Forces Against Chinese Space Armada http://calamitynews.com/spacex-buffs-us-forces-chinese-space-armada/ Wed, 15 Jun 2016 18:01:00 +0000 http://calamitynews.com/?p=14783 […]]]> Miami, FL – SpaceX successfully launched two satellites to orbit today but couldn’t quite pull off its fourth consecutive rocket landing at sea in the process.

“We’re very happy that SpaceX has gone where we couldn’t,” said a NASA official. “Mostly because… well, we’re not sure. We’ve spent the better part of a decade trying to figure out where we’ve gone wrong. Turns out we have a high IQ, but a low EQ. That’s emotional intelligence. Yeah, that took seven years to decode. Progress!”

“Just two?” scoffed a European Space Agency tech. “That’s… I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m mocking them. We haven’t launched a thingy into the non Earth place for a long time.” He looked wistfully down, then shook his head, looked up, and added, “ahhhh, right, that’s the place.”

Satellite Weekly, a publication that documents and promotes the most recent satellite news, called the launches “validation for Dr. Pines’ [mid-November issue #523] prediction”, “not as good as the Grasshopper Mk III but a far improvement from the Russian/Australian SkyWard venture” and “enough news to keep our panel of experts talking for a month!”

“That’s pretty cool,” said a woman. “I mean, I don’t get why we’re doing it, or to what end, but yeah, it’s pretty cool.” After some thought she added, “sorry, I’m going to walk that back a little. It’s okay. Why are we doing this again?”

]]>