First Graduates Of Obnoxious Flight Attendant School Take Flight, Fight

New York, NY – A flight attendant on a weather-delayed plane at New York’s LaGuardia Airport yelled at passengers and dared them to leave the plane if they had “the balls” to do it.

“First of all, we’re allowed to say or do whatever we want,” said a flight attendant. “If we want to yell at you, we’ll yell at you. If we want to crash the flight, we’ll crash the flight. If we want to [disgusting physical attack], we’ll totally [disgusting physical attack] you. It’s our job, okay? It’s our job. Shut up, it’s our job.”

“You can’t boycott us,” said an airline official. “How are you going to travel? We got you, okay. We [expletive delete]ing own you. Guess what? We’re going to double charges for bags and attached a seatbelt fee. What? What you got? Nothin’! That’s right, sucka.”

Homeland security called the behavior “setting the bar very high for the rest of us”, “right now our TSA agents can only grope people, but hopefully in the future, we can verbally abuse folks as well” and “hey, everyone has a dream.”

“Oh yes, I believe I wrote about this in 1974,” said a psychologist in seat 24C, who worked on the Stanford prison experiment. “If you give people power, they will abuse it. Recent studies suggest the weaker the person is, the more they’ll abuse power once they get it. Therefor- what? No, I won’t leave the plane. You can’t make me – [silenced by Air Marshall taser]”