Rome, Italy – A rare copy of a fifteenth century letter describing Christopher Columbus’ trip to the Americas has been returned to Italian authorities after being stolen from a library in Florence.
“Now we can all celebrate this- ow! Why are you throwing things? He’s a national hero who- ow!” screamed an Italian diplomat. “Come on, people, he found land! A whole new land that we really didn’t settle or- ow! Is that why you’re throwing- ow! Stop! I have no ties to this man! He’s evil, happy? Happy? Good, now let’s open the Mussolini memorial wing of- ow!”
“Ima so losta,” read a scholar. “Looka at the sea-a! She is so-a big and vasta!” He cleared his throat, adding, “it goes on like that for several hundred pages. What can I say, stereotypes exist for a reason. It’s why I never liked the [ethnic group omitted]s. Oh, come on, like you guys like [ethnic group omitted]s or [ethnic group omitted]s! How is that racist? Oh, right.”
Other returned artifacts included “a VHS copy of An Officer and a Gentleman”, “a third edition copy of Lad a Dog translated into Italian” and “twenty Lira.”
“That’s nice,” said a local postman. “I’ve always enjoyed those sort of fairytales. Warms the heart.” He went back to burning mail, occasionally taking a long pull off of a ceramic pipe.