Florida Gets Suckier And Suckier

Tampa, Florida – Officials say a nine-foot-long alligator was captured last night in the same Florida lake where one was found holding remains of a human body in its mouth.

“We don’t know if this is the perpetrator or the accomplice, but one thing’s for sure,” said a detective as he donned sunglasses and looked to the sky. “Heads are going to roll.” He waited a few seconds, then took off his sunglasses, adding, “okay, lemme try another one. Ready? But one thing’s for sure… he’s ahead of the game. Wait, I got one more. We need to head out. Right?”

“Oh, no, the alligators are firmly in control,” said a local official. “In fact, they demanded I remove my uniform and have it re-fitted to size ten, alligator.” He looked around nervously, adding, “I don’t know what that means, but I’m doing it. So help me, I’m doing it or- oh my God, are they watching us. No, no, don’t turn around. The water, something’s in the water…”

Georgia officials called the capture “disgraceful”, “that’s what you get for not running a ‘the Purge’ style state” and “yeah, they have loose gun laws, but they could be looser, if you know what we mean. Yeah, like, in the bathing suit area. Oh yeah, it’s all about that.”

“It’s not like you go to Florida and get bit by a gator,” said resident. “I mean, sure, we’ve all been bit by gators, but there’s gotta be someone who hasn’t been bit, right? Statistically?” After a long pause she shrugged, adding, “Florida, right?”