Raleigh, NC – The month of May saw yet another gun-related background check record making it the thirteenth month to see an all time high.
“I couldn’t be happier,” said a judge. “Homicides are through the roof!” He ordered the next case, adding, “I’ve never been so busy in my life! And man am I happy to be out of the house. The twins are a nightmare. Yeah, middle school sucks for everyone. Anyway, twenty five years! Next case!”
“Gun business is up,” admitted a robber. “So I’m laying low for a while.” He shrugged, adding, “I dunno. I took a few gigs as a freelance graphic designer. I’m doing a lot of small town mayoral and committee posters.” He pointed to his computer, adding, “it’s two boxes and white lettering. Can you believe I’m getting five grand for this? I’m thinking about finishing my degree! Also, gimmie your wallet.”
Gun lobby groups called the rise “a direct response to the gun grabbing politics of the current administration”, “well, no, they’re not taking guns away, per se, but… you know, they talk about doing stuff so they must be… shut up and buy a gun!” and “yeah, we have more to say, but we’re going to let our guns talk for us. Huh. They’re just inanimate objects. So… huh.”
“Yeah, we’re not worried,” said a Homeland Security officer. “We bought all the ammo, so you morons can have all the guns you want.” He pulled out his baton, adding, “now submit to our will or be beaten! You can’t stop us! Security!”