Global Stocks Down, Bemoan Middle America

London, UK – Global stocks were set for their worst monthly performance since January, with renewed concerns over global growth forcing European shares and oil prices onto the back foot again following two positive sessions.

“Dang!” said a man in his late thirties as he drove to his job at a concession distribution hub. “Looks like my portfolio’s gonna take quite the hit.” He cracked a beer, adding, “just kidding, that [expletive deleted]s a waste of time. No, seriously, I held my money and saved myself a lot of problems. Morning road beer? Great!”

“They promised stocks only go up!” yelled a European leader. “This is why capitalism doesn’t work! Now I’m going to have to work even more because half of my money goes to the state and- wait a minute. Over time I make money in the market and promote growth as opposed to feeding blind government spending that I don’t really have or want access to. Damn it! To… I donno, somewhere.”

The Global Stock market called the drop “irregular”, “since we’re a fiction of a poorly written news article, it is very odd that we do anything but rise and help the world unite” and “sure, unite against aliens. Whatever, man, it’s your world.”

“Will the markets come back up?” asked a concerned schoolchild. “Oh. So then why would you present it like they wouldn’t?” We tried to explain how the news cycle worked but he got up and left to play a game that was mostly yelling and running around.