London, UK – Researchers from Queen Mary University of London aim to prove that goats are much cleverer than previously thought and interact with people in a similar way to pets, having trodden a path of domestication for ten thousand years.
“Turns out, goats are the original dinosaur,” said a paleontologist. “Which is why I’m renouncing dinosaurs and going to Wales to study goats.” After a long pause he added, “I thought there’d be a bigger response. Nothing? So you’re telling me that sixteen paleontologists, at our weekly paleontologist meeting, are just going to sit there with no response? Nothing? This is why I’m leaving.”
“This is why we left,” said an Englishman. “The rest of Europe doesn’t respect goats like we respect goats.” He gave a heavy sigh, then added, “we would go to war for these gentle creatures. Why do you think we fought France for so long? No, no, nothing to do with any of that. Goats, I tell ye, goats!”
The researchers went on to imply “goats videos will be on the rise”, “goat related Instagram stock will double in the next six years” and “anything that goes ‘baaaaaaa’ will be forty to forty three percent more cuddly but eighty five percent more out of stock.”
“I’m so offended I could spit,” said a scientist working in a cancer laboratory. “But, as you can see, if I spit, I’ll be spitting into my containment suit, thusly, ruining what is already a pretty crappy day. Yea, I have the runs and couldn’t make it out of the suit in time so… yeah.”