Half Of America Celebrated This Weekend Whilst Other Half Cleaned Guns And Looked Around Suspiciously

Washington DC – Political observers are calling President Obama’s second inaugural address “liberal,” after he addressed several civil issues and defended his party’s political platforms.

“He can finally speak his mind!” said a supporter. “He’s had to hide for the first four years, like any new President, but now he doesn’t have to hold back! He can change America for the better.” After waiting a few minutes, she added, “any time now. You’re free to do what you want, Mr. President. Go ahead. Any time. Ummmm, sir?”

“He’s going to raise taxes, take away guns, increase government, and make everyone get abortions!” shouted a Republican. After clearing his throat a few times he quietly added, “okay, now that I said it out loud, I’m realizing there’s no way he can do any of that without Congress. Sorry.”

Congress called the address “great theater”, “we’re still not going to do anything. And, to this point, we aren’t approving this official comment” and “we hate you as much as you hate us. Jerks.”

“In a deeply divided nation, is digging in to one’s limited party ideology the right move?” asked a professor of political science to his class. “Is this a prisoner’s dilemma situation? This is the question for this month’s paper. And yes, this is the only thing political science is good for. I know what you’re thinking. Oh, I know.”

Report filed by Editor at 12:00 pm