{ May }
17

Coffee Makes You Immortal, Super Jittery

Boston, MA – According to the largest-ever analysis of the link between coffee consumption and mortality, latte lovers had a lower risk of death during the study period.

“That’s all we needed to hear!” shouted a top Starbucks executive. “The time to attack is now! Well, as soon as we complete our draft. Oh yes, your gift card is also a legally binding draft card. Welcome to the [expletive deleted].”

“Their risk fell to almost zero,” said a researcher. “Mainly because we kept them drugged in a five by five cell. Oh, that’s perfectly legal. How do you think we got people to believe asprin was safe?”

Caffeine Anonymous, a self-help group, called the news “troubling”, “we just made such great progress in last week’s session. Bill was- Bill! No! Put that coffee down!” and “yeah, I guess it’s our fault for putting out free coffee and doughnuts.”

“So if I drink only coffee, I’ll live forever?” asked a teen. “But what about the thousands of other studies that claim coffee does all sorts of damage? Seriously? I’m supposed to believe only the last study published? That doesn’t seem right, but then again, you are the adult.”

Our Hearts Are Exploding

Berlin, Germany – According to World Health Organization figures, one in three adults suffers from high blood pressure, a key cause of strokes and heart disease. “We’re well aware that this news is giving people high blood pressure,” said a WHO official. “Think how we feel! It’s…” He grasped at his left arm and mumbled, “not easy… to deliver…” He fell to the ground, adding, ...

In Three Minutes Your Kid Is Going To Eat A Battery

Washington DC – A new study shows every three hours a child shows up in a US emergency room with a battery that’s been swallowed or placed in the mouth, ears or nose. “At one time the entire battery industry was based on producing batteries small enough for children to swallow,” said a top battery executive. “The thinking was: you’d have to go buy more ...

Reusable Bags Sicken Teen Girl Soccer Players Proving Once And For All That Environmental Conservation Is Stupid

Eugene, OR – Oregon public health officials have traced a nasty outbreak of norovirus infections in a group of soccer players to an unlikely source: a reusable grocery bag contaminated with what some experts are calling “the perfect pathogens.” “So doing the right thing isn’t right?” asked a confused politician. “So maybe banning plastic bags ...

Massive Obese Study Of Chunky Data Reveals Fat Facts

Atlanta, GA – A new study claims forty-two percent of the US population could be obese by 2030, up from about one-third currently, and the associated rise in health woes would likely cost half a trillion dollars over two decades. “We’ve worked very hard to make the obese feel as uncomfortable as possible,” said a ...

FDA Encourages You To Buy ‘Whatever’

Atlanta, GA – In a move that could help the government trim its burgeoning health care costs, the Food and Drug Administration may soon permit Americans to obtain some drugs used to treat conditions such as high blood pressure and diabetes without obtaining a prescription. “We’ve given up on those people,” said a top FDA ...

US Goes Mad With Cow, Mad Cow

Fresno, CA – The first new case of mad cow disease in the US since 2006 has been discovered in a dairy cow in California, but health authorities said the animal never was a threat to the nation’s food supply. “We have no idea how a cow, in the middle of California, contracted a disease ...

Ice Cream Will Freeze Your Brain And Kill You

Washington DC – Scientists claim they’ve found a connection between brain freeze and migraines. “Every time you get a brain freeze, a portion of your brain literally dies,” said a scientist. “As far as we can tell, it just sits there, rotting, until the gasses fill up in your head and you die.” He shrugged ...
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