Washington DC – A study released today shows that one in four working-age Americans went without insurance at some point in 2011, often as a result of unemployment and other job changes. “Those bastards,” said the CEO of a major insurance agency. “We’ll make them pay. We’ll make all of them pay!” He swiped the ...

Washington DC – Federal health authorities say a yellowfin tuna product used to make dishes like sushi and sashimi sold at restaurants and grocery stores has been linked with an outbreak of salmonella that has sickened more than a hundred people in twenty states and the District of Columbia. “We announced this on Friday,” said ...

Chicago, IL – US researchers claim people who get regular dental X-rays are more likely to suffer a common type of brain tumor, suggesting that yearly exams may not be best for most patients. “Who would have thought that irradiating a person would give them tumors!” exclaimed a CDC official. “But here we are, with ...

Atlanta, GA – A new study claims women who are obese when pregnant may have a higher risk of having a baby with autism. “This is great!” said a reporter. “We can kick off Monday blaming fat people for something and report on injured children.” He wiped the drool from his mouth and added, “if ...

Atlanta, GA – Reports show two teens have died in the last year during routine oral surgery. “It’s important to remember that this one family’s tragedy could also be yours,” said a top health official. “And that no matter what you do, the people you love can and will be hurt.” He nodded grimly a ...

Washington DC – The US Food and Drug Administration says it has confirmed another counterfeit version of the cancer drug bevacizumab, most commonly known as Avastin, is being sold in the United States. “We can only assume that every drug on the market is now fake,” said a top FDA official to the press corp. ...

Atlanta, GA – The decline in deaths from all cancers combined continued in the USA from 2004-2008, but a major government report highlights a worrisome rise in cases linked to obesity and inactivity. “We’re happy to finally link to dangerous epidemics,” said a doctor. “Finally, we can put the word ‘cancer’ and ‘obesity’ in one ...

San Diego, CA – A new study shows that pharmacy employees often dole out the wrong information, telling the teens they’re not allowed to have the the so-called morning-after pill. “It’s important for us that teens have babies,” said a pharmacist. “It’s part of the pharmacist code. We take an oath, when we become pharmacists, ...