Miami, FL – The Department of Homeland Security trumpeted last night’s seizer of thirteen thousand dangerous hair dryers at the port of Miami.

“We’ve saved millions of lives,” said a top DHS official. “Think of all the people who would have done their hair up, gone out to a bar and then been kidnapped, raped or killed. Now we’re off to the west coast to stop a deadly shipment of nail filers!”

“Damn!” shouted a terrorist during his cell’s weekly meeting. “How did they know we-” He then stopped, looked upstairs and added, “sorry dear! Were we being too loud? Sorry, my love. We’re almost done. Good night.” He waited until the door closed before whispering, “ugh, I can’t wait for heaven and those virgins.”

Customs Enforcement called the seizer “super annoying”, “why can’t those dudes just do what we do: nothing” and “okay, if you’re just reading this, it probably looks like we said we do nothing, which is totally wrong. We don’t do anything, so… wait, no.”

“Why did they seize that stuff?” asked an American. “What was the point? Does anyone know?” He waited a long time for an answer, tapping his toe, rolling his eyes, until he blurted out, “seriously! What it’s it for?”