Human Animal Hybrid Finally Gets A Chance To Roar, Tap Dance

Houston, TX – A handful of scientists around the United States are trying to do something that some people find disturbing: make embryos that are part human, part animal.

“It’s all about helping humanity,” said a scientist. “Whilst being able to have claws, or fangs, or be able to see in the dark, or glide, or climb really well, or breathe underwater, or have lasers shoot from your eyes.” After catching his breath he added, “we’re still working on that last part, but trust me, it’s a thing.”

“This is a travesty,” said a woman. “You can’t go against God’s greatest creation! Well, you can, but then you’ll suffer eternally because you’ve upset a loving and forgiving God.” She thought for a second, then noted, “yeah, that sounds stupid. Do what you want, it really won’t effect me.”

Scientists are also trying to “make a better banana soufflĂ©”, “crack that whole Tootsie Roll pop problem” and “go back to space. Remember when we- no? When were you born. Oh no.”

“Haven’t we already done that?” asked a man. “I mean, we use animal parts for some surgeries, right? So…” He then made several gestures with his hands and eyebrows as if to coax out a conclusion. When our reporter didn’t give one he shook his head, adding, “you’re supposed to give a concrete answer and then move on. That’s your job, right?”