Ice Cream Wars Heat Up, Melting Hearts, Destroying Families, Killing Hundreds

New York, NY – Mister Softee says he has been muscled out of Midtown as a renegade ice cream company is enforcing its dominance with threats and intimidation that sometimes get physical.

“Oh, no, this has nothing to do with the ice cream turf war,” said a man as he fed a human arm into a meat grinder. “This has everything to do with the bagel war that’s plagued this city for almost a hundred years. So many dead, yet our struggle continues.”

“You know that saying, ‘I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream?'” asked an ice cream truck driver. “Well, it’s true. Except now the screams are for mercy.” He closed the top to the machine gun belt feed, adding, “let’s [expletive deleted]ing do this, summer. Yeah, she’s [the rival] driver that has sixty second [street]. That [expletive deleted] is gonna die this sweltering afternoon.”

NYPD called the war “hysterical”, “we take bets as to which driver will be ‘beat up’ next” and “yeah, that’s in the most sarcastic air quotes possible. Most of these guys get winded walking from the driver’s seat to the side window.”

“There’s a very good possibility that the entire ice cream bubble will burst,” said an economist. “I predict somewhere around mid September. No one knows why, but we can only speculate it has something to do with the thousands of ice cream driver deaths. Sad, but it’s like being in the wild: we can’t interfere, even if they ask for help. So many dead.”