Paris, France – The head of the International Monetary Fund said the world economy was in danger and urged Europeans to speak with one voice on a debt crisis that has rattled the global financial system.

“The thing is, everything will collapse in about eight seconds,” said a top IMF official. He moved his lips as he silently counted down from eight and then announced, “the rules of society no longer apply. Either join my clan or be enslaved. Yes, I brought the machete specifically for this instance.”

“There is no crisis,” said a fat banker. “Sure, we’ve taken your money, but we’re pumping it back into the economy. I mean, who else would take their family on a thirty eight year vacation? Also, when I get back to work, I will retire, saving you even more money. You’re welcome.”

A top Federal Reserve official called the warning “total poppycock”, “nonsense soup mixed with fiddlesticks” and “sorta true. But don’t tell anyone else. If we get a head start on the looting, we’ll make out like kings! Deal?”

“It can’t be that bad,” said a European. “No, I haven’t seen the numbers, but- what? Oh my God. No! Are you serious? This is what we’ve been doing? Why haven’t we discovered these problems before? Oh, right, our socialized education system. No. No happy New Year. No.”