In Three Minutes Your Kid Is Going To Eat A Battery

Washington DC – A new study shows every three hours a child shows up in a US emergency room with a battery that’s been swallowed or placed in the mouth, ears or nose.

“At one time the entire battery industry was based on producing batteries small enough for children to swallow,” said a top battery executive. “The thinking was: you’d have to go buy more batteries because your kid keeps eating them. We still do the same thing nowadays, we just say it’s a tragedy. It’s a tragedy.”

“I’d baby-proof the house, but my kid’s gonna figure out how to get into things he shouldn’t,” said new parent and recent high school graduate Kelly [last name withheld]. “So why not just give him batteries? Looky here. He doesn’t want em. Strange, ain’t it. Really says a lot about the human condition.”

The American Medical Association called the study “wonderful”, “if kids didn’t eat stuff, we’d be out of jobs” and “well, thankfully we still have the cancer scam going. That’s right, microwaves give you cancer, but we’re not saying [expletive deleted].”

“I will literally eat anything,” said a toddler thought a translator. “Why, just yesterday I put the dog’s tail in my mouth. Yes, disgusting, but strangely intriguing.” She laughed and added, “oh, the impetuousness youth.”