New York, NY – Apple releases its iOS 7 for download today, which brings a lot of new changes to the software that was introduced more than six years ago.
“We’re happy to control the minds of millions,” said a developer for the company. “It feels good to know that you idiots will lap up anything we drop before you, even this flat, bland operating system that really isn’t any different from the previous one.” After raising an eyebrow he added, “should you be making eye contact? That’s better.”
“Yay!” said a man. “Now I can have the latest and greatest operating-” He fell to the ground, spasming and turning green. As he body mutated into a hideous greenish mutant almost twice his normal size, he shouted, “it was all worth it to look cool for a few seconds! Die, humans, die!”
NATO called the release “a immediate threat to our nations”, “workers have left their jobs, the youth have taken to the streets, the world as we know it will never be the same!” and “oh, look! Fingerprint identification! This is amazing! Fire the missiles! Who cares at who, just fire! Fingerprints!”
“Yeah, I don’t get it,” said a Samsung user. “We’ve had 4G for years. We’ve had fingerprint apps for years. We’ve had all of this for years.” He pulled his hoodie over his head, adding, “well, back to the shadows. The shameful, non-cool shadows.”