Iran Publicly Announces Progress On Secret Nuclear Arms Path

Vienna, Austria – Iran has announced plans to install and operate advanced uranium enrichment machines, in what would be a technological leap allowing it to significantly speed up activity the West fears could be put to developing a nuclear weapon.

“This is no secret,” said a top Iranian official. “We are making nuclear weapons to destroy your nations. Funny story, we discovered that you, that is, the collective you, did nothing as Hitler rose to power. Even after he smashed up your continent, you still did nothing. This bodes very well for us. Very, very well.”

“Someone has to do something!” said a UN representative. “We need to pass legislation that will strongly urge them to abandon their plan and- what? Oh, Russia is saying no. Why would you endorse worldwide war? Uh huh. Okay. Right. Okay. Well, those are compelling arguments. Let’s the table the issue for a few years.”

The US Navy issued a statement which read “whew. Glad we aren’t on land right now”, “hey, people on land. Who’s stupid now?” and “the answer is you. That’s right, we’re assuming you’re on land and too stupid to get our insults. Stupid!”

“It’s amazing that they announced they would refine uranium years ago, everyone had a fit and said they’d stop them, and yet here we are,” said an American. “Does anyone remember this? Am I the only one- yes, this is pre-Kardashian. Why are you scratching your head? Things happened before them. Yes, they did! They did!”

Report filed by Editor at 11:01 am