Tehran, Iran – Iran expects to equip its ships in the Strait of Hormuz soon with shorter-range missiles, a Revolutionary Guards commander was quoted as saying, in the latest apparent warning to the West not to attack it over its disputed nuclear program.
“The best thing we can do is introduce more weapons into the area,” said an Iranian commander. “This way, everyone knows that we’re willing to kill millions and level all that we see, just so we can… why are we doing this again? Oh, right, we don’t need a reason. Death to everyone!”
“Well, that’s pretty stupid,” said a UN Security council member. “Looks like we’re going to have to- what? Oh, Russia and China think it’s a good idea. Okay, everyone, we’re all going to die because of Russia and China. Why are you guys laughing? This is serious. Stop laughing!”
The Pentagon called the introduction “lame”, “we have over three hundred drones, each of which could take out multiple Iranian ships” and “dude, all your base are belong to us. Seriously, they are belong to us.”
“Why can’t everyone just shut up and do what we say?” asked an American. “I mean, we rule the world, right? I donno why, probably cause we’re awesome.” He slumped back in his couch and added, “look, I’m getting paid by the government, so I’m supporting the government. We’re awesome. Awesome.”