Tehran, Iran – The deputy head of Iran’s Islamic Republic’s armed forces was quoted by a semi-official news agency saying Iran would take pre-emptive action against its enemies if it felt its national interests were endangered.

“If people threaten us because we’ve threatened them, we will not hesitate to take them out,” said a top Islamic General. “We will not stand by and let a nation plan to attack us because we planned to attack them. That’s insane!”

“They’re going to attack us because we said we’d attack them because they were threatening to attack us?” asked a top Israeli official. “Well, it’s time we attack them because they said they’d attack us because we said we’d attack them because they said they’d attack us.” He took a deep breath and added, “I think.”

The UN called the announcement “super confusing”, “you guys don’t condone weed, do you?” and “well, maybe you should, ’cause it’s, like, so, you know, super good and stuff. Just don’t fight, okay?”

“The whole thing is absurd,” said teacher’s aide Regina Ballister. “If we had two kids bickering like that we’d separate them and tell their parents.” She shrugged and added, “granted, international diplomacy is nothing like a playground squabble and you really shouldn’t draw conclusions from such a simplified analogy. Still…”