Atlanta, GA – A new study published by the journal Pediatrics found watching a snippet of a SpongeBob cartoon negatively affected four-year-olds’ attention spans. Watching a more realistic PBS cartoon did not.

“Realistic cartoons had no effect on children,” said a PBS television director. “Mostly because they’re watercolor pictures of starving children in Darfur, voiced over by independent film stars.” He lit a joint and added, “puff?”

“If I find out who put those kids in front of that TV, I’ll…” threatened mother Regina Saunders. “No, that’s it. There really is no end to that sentence, it’s left open to interpretation, which is often filled by you, the receiver.” She shook her fist a few times before retreating back into the house.

The US Center for Mind Control called the study “counter-productive”, “sure, we can wait until New Years Eve, but we have to be able to come up with another hypo-technique other than the ball of light” and “umm, you shouldn’t have heard that. Look at the coin, watch the coin… that’s right. Now, go back to your editor and tell him we don’t exist. Go!”

“I swore I wouldn’t let television raise my children,” said frazzled parents John and Victoria Benson. “But they just keep going and going and going. What other option do we have? You win, TV, you win.”