Japan Nuclear Crisis Could Have Been Avoided By Not Building Reactors

Tokyo, Japan – An expert panel claims Japan’s Fukushima nuclear crisis was a preventable disaster resulting from “collusion” among the government, regulators and the plant operator.

“If the company was more focused on constantly checking the plant over making money, they would have seen that it was unsafe,” said a board member. “If the government was more interested in overseeing every aspect of the plant instead of passing laws, this could have been avoided. If the regulators didn’t have to focus on different plants, this could have been avoided. You have shamed us.”

“And that’s why we’re not sharing our time-manipulation technology,” said a visitor from another multiverse. “Your methods are like a primitive organism which- ugh.” As he was stabbed and mugged, he whispered, “I knew I should have worn a forcefield. Damn my pride.”

The IAEA called the claim “totally false”, “nothing can prevent meltdowns. Believe us when we tell you, nothing will prevent them” and “oh, it’ll happen. A lot. Trust us when we tell you, it’s going to happen again and again and again. Trust us.”

“We really should go back to coal,” said an energy producer. “Oh, right, it’s bad for the environment. Well, then, we should go back to burning wood. Oh, right, deforestation. Well, then, we should go back to the caves. Yes, I’m serious. Help me out of this suit.”