Just A Friendly Reminder: You Still Can’t Get A Job

Washington DC – The number of people seeking US unemployment benefits dipped last week but not by enough to signal a better month of hiring in June.

“I’d hire more people, but I’m not making any money,” said a businessman. “People don’t have money to buy things, so I don’t have money to hire people. Oh my God. It’s an unbreakable loop!” He picked up a letter opener and shouted, “you’ll never take me alive!” After looking around his empty office he noted, “okay, time for lunch.”

“We might be in a recession,” said a top White House official. “But that’s not our fault. We can totally fix it, but only after the election. Also, we didn’t do it. But we’re getting better. Ummm, what else? Oh, right, vote for us or forever be branded as a racist. Dismissed!”

The Federal Bank called the numbers “a tell-tale sign of the end of civilization”, “we’ll consider holding interest rates down for another six months” and “after that… well, let’s just say the only thing you’ll need is canned goods and a shotgun. Let’s just say.”

“Dude, I know,” said a guy as he shopped for lunch. “I’ve been on two interviews in six months. No one can get a job. Why are you telling me this?” He stopped to examine the prices on cereal before adding, “why are you still here?”