Just When You Think Russia Can’t Suck Any More, They Do Something Super Nice

Moscow, Russia – President Vladimir Putin signed a law this month granting two and a half acres of land to any Russian citizen who wants it.

“We’ve been blessed!” said a Russian official. “So here’s some free land. No, it’s not a trick. Take some free- trust me, brother, it’s not a trick. Here’s the contract, it’s very simple, you- no, there is no catch. Work the land for five years and it’s yours. No, it’s not full of land mines or radioactive bears. Take the land, please, and- take it or we’ll kill you. That’s better.”

“Oh no, we’d never do that,” said a Congressman. “Unless it’s to give away land to a company that’s reached the Angel tier of ‘donations.’ And yes, donations should be in massive air quotes. I mean, like, seventy five foot tall air quotes. In bold. Vibrating so it makes a sound that you can’t help but to look up and wonder, ‘how is it making that sound?’ sort of sound. Anyway, thank you for your support.”

Russia is also considering “giving back the remains or ashes of the millions of political dissidents killed in the past six years”, “opening up a few Wawas” and “seeing if this whole ‘being nice’ thing could be used for evil.”

“And that’s why I’m voting for the Socialist!” said a voter. “Because he promised to give us all land! What? Where? Oh no. No, no, no. Jesus, no!” She fell to the ground and screamed, “what have I done? Dear God, what have I done?”