Led Zeppelin Didn’t Steal Song, Kill Those Dudes

Los Angeles, CA – A jury has decided the band Led Zeppelin did not steal the opening to its classic anthem “Stairway to Heaven.”

“Additionally,” read the jury foreman. “This was not a gargantuan waste of time. We’d like to stress that in no way did this tie up the resources of our legal system, nor of the parties involved. This is as, if not more, important than the search for a cure for cancer or AIDS, and much more important than our current political battle or other national problems.”

“Dude, this is amazing,” said a robber on his twenty eight consecutive day of robbing. “It’s like they just gave up! Try it!” After stealing a car-load of stuff, the robber pulled his gun, adding, “now I’m gonna rob you! That’s right, noob, the first rule of robbing is always defending against robbing!”

The music industry called the ruling “just”, “fitting well within the Sam Smith and Blurred Lines rulings” and “it doesn’t have to make sense, it’s the music industry. Have some coke.”

“We’re in the process of copyrighting the note F and the augmented fifth,” said a man in a suit. “That’s all we can say at this time. No, I’m not joking. Well, then we’ll see you in court. Yeah, 2041 sounds about right.”