Washington DC – The Supreme Court further loosened the reins on political giving, ruling that big campaign donors can dole out money to as many candidates and political committees as they want as long as they abide by limits on contributions to each individual campaign.
“So as long as you follow the rules, you can do what you want,” said a clerk for the Court. “That’s pretty much how the law works.” He looked around, adding, “everyone gets that, right? You can do what you want, within the law. No? I’m getting a lot of blank stares, people. Guys? Can someone say something? Okay, this is getting weird.”
“Oh, so now big corporations can contribute to gain influence,” said a man on the assembly line. “And little guys like me get screwed. What? Yeah, our union donates, but what do we get out of it? Twenty paid vacation days, guaranteed pay bumps regardless of performance, and pension for life. That’s nothing compared to the private sector. What? No, really? That doesn’t seem… wow. Okay, then this is a great ruling!”
The Supreme Court also ruled “we rule”, “both figuratively and literally” and “lulz, no one reads these opinions. We’re gonna screw everyone over one day and you’ll never see it coming. Justices… out!”
“No matter what this is bad!” screamed a woman. “Or good, depending on if you contribute, your company contributes, or your enemies contribute. Granted, that presupposes contributing makes a difference. Anyway, just wanted to sound irate without really saying anything! Good day!”