The Law Actually Permits Political Donations

Washington DC – The Supreme Court further loosened the reins on political giving, ruling that big campaign donors can dole out money to as many candidates and political committees as they want as long as they abide by limits on contributions to each individual campaign.

“So as long as you follow the rules, you can do what you want,” said a clerk for the Court. “That’s pretty much how the law works.” He looked around, adding, “everyone gets that, right? You can do what you want, within the law. No? I’m getting a lot of blank stares, people. Guys? Can someone say something? Okay, this is getting weird.”

“Oh, so now big corporations can contribute to gain influence,” said a man on the assembly line. “And little guys like me get screwed. What? Yeah, our union donates, but what do we get out of it? Twenty paid vacation days, guaranteed pay bumps regardless of performance, and pension for life. That’s nothing compared to the private sector. What? No, really? That doesn’t seem… wow. Okay, then this is a great ruling!”

The Supreme Court also ruled “we rule”, “both figuratively and literally” and “lulz, no one reads these opinions. We’re gonna screw everyone over one day and you’ll never see it coming. Justices… out!”

“No matter what this is bad!” screamed a woman. “Or good, depending on if you contribute, your company contributes, or your enemies contribute. Granted, that presupposes contributing makes a difference. Anyway, just wanted to sound irate without really saying anything! Good day!”

Healthcare Law Just Might Work For Several Hundred People

Washington DC – A flood of last-minute applicants rushed to sign up for health insurance on the deadline day for President Barack Obama’s health care law, with more than people at a time using the fragile system despite a new spate of intermittent ills. “Well, the law changed how the insurance industry works, which means millions lost their coverage,” said a White House official. “So ...

No One Is Watching Former President Carter

Undisclosed Location – The NSA’s director announced the agency is not looking through former President Jimmy Carter’s emails. “He can safely go back to watching cat videos, getting up at two and five in the morning to pee, and working on his detective novel set during the Industrial Revolution,” said an assistant at the director’s office. “Trust us, we want nothing to do with his ...

Homeland Security Training To Take Down Conservatives Using Trojan Palin

Washington DC – Leaked Homeland Security documents obtained by Infowars reveal details of a joint DHS/FEMA national exercise set to take place this week, one of the components of which revolves around an effort to counter online dissent by a group called “Free Americans Against Socialist Tyranny,” which is disgruntled at the imposition of martial ...

Computer Company Hacked Turncoat’s Email Creating Moral Quagmire

San Francisco, CA – Microsoft acknowledged it had searched emails in a blogger’s Hotmail account to track down who was leaking company secrets. “Sometimes to enforce the law, you have to break it,” said company internet detective Sam ‘the Shotgun’ Vimelli. “And sometimes you gotta spy on someone to stop them from spying on you.” ...

Court Rules People’s Decision Was Stupid

Little Rock, AR – The Arkansas Supreme Court has thrown out a one billion dollar judgment against Johnson & Johnson in a lawsuit challenging its marketing of the antipsychotic drug Risperdal. “We feel this is a just and fair ruling,” said a pharmaceutical rep as he backed up a U-Haul truck. “Say, can you check ...

CIA Spies On Senate, Who Funds CIA Spying

Washington DC – The head of the Senate Intelligence Committee accused the CIA of criminal activity in improperly searching a computer network set up for lawmakers investigating allegations that the agency used torture in terror investigations during the Bush administration. “The CIA has no right to spy on us!” shrieked a Senator. “We answer to ...

IRS Doesn’t Give A Honey Badger

Washington DC – The former Internal Revenue Service official at the heart of the agency’s tea party scandal once again refused to answer questions at a congressional hearing today that quickly devolved into political bickering between Democrats and Republicans. “Hold on,” said an accountant. “If my client is audited, we have to answer [the IRS's] ...