Houston, TX – Three major US tobacco companies will pay one hundred million dollars to settle hundreds of federal lawsuits over smoking.
“There,” said a tobacco lawyer. “Now we’ll never get in trouble again for selling what is literally cancer.” He smiled, adding, “now, kids, let’s talk about how cool it is to smoke. What are you guys, eight? Oh, you should be up to a pack a day by now! Come on, [teacher] Ms. Bergheimer, please? They’d be so cool! Great!”
“Finally!” said a sickly man on his deathbed. “It’s about time they paid me for tricking me into smoking.” After a long coughing fit he noted, “oh, less blood this time. What? My ears? Oh no. No! Nurse! Help, it’s in the ears! Nurse!”
The American Cigar Association called the settlement “bad for business”, “what if other groups of sick people all of a sudden realize that the products we’ve been hocking for the past few centuries were the very same thing that’s killing them?” and “ehhh, we’ll just drag our feet like the tobacco folks or the booze lobby. They’ve been actively killing people since the Industrial Revolution. Lucky bastards.”
“Who doesn’t know smoking is bad?” screamed a woman. “And then you have the balls to sue a company over the choices you made?” She spat, adding, “I think I speak for everyone when I say you’re a [expletive deleted]ing idiot. Jesus.” She sat back down at her desk, adding, “okay, let’s talk about your refi.”