Federal Appeals Court Rules Obamacare Isn’t As Great As People Complain

Washington DC – A federal appeals court has ruled that the federal government may not subsidize health insurance plans for people in thirty six states that decided not to set up their own marketplaces under the law.

“I’m sorry,” said a Justice. “But the law is a real big mess. You can fix it, but everyone’s going to have a hissyfit.” He shook his head, adding, “such a shame. We had a good thing going and then everyone felt like they were owed something. Such a shame.”

“See!” shouted a Republican. “They’re destroying America on purpose!” When pressed as to what he’d do to fix it, he screamed, “they’re wrecking it! Hey, stop wrecking America! Stop!”

The White House called the ruling “illegal”, “we’re looking into an executive action to disband all courts and simply rule by decree” and “oh, you disagree? Then prepare to be audited, racist.”

“Most of the law is great,” said a woman. “It protects us from being denied healthcare from pre-existing conditions, it saves us from high medical bills… it’s just, well, you can’t force people to buy healthcare. I mean, you just can’t, right? So why can’t we have the good parts without the forced purchasing? Oh, so a multi-billion dollar industry based on helping people won’t help people unless it makes money? Can we talk about that? Oh.”

Obama Gives Gays Rights!

Washington DC – President Obama gave employment protection to gay and transgender workers in the federal government and its contracting agencies, after being convinced by advocates of what he called the “irrefutable rightness of your cause.” “We’ve done it!” shouted a White House official. “We’ve given rights to that point zero, zero, zero, zero percent of Americans that were made to feel bad because they ...

Illegal Aliens Fly Without Security, Terrorists Stunned With Sudden Win

Mcallen, TX – According to the National Border Patrol Council (NBPC), illegal aliens are being allowed to fly on commercial airliners without valid identification. “It’s not my job to check people’s status,” said a TSA agent as he reviewed a traveler’s ID. “It’s my job to randomly make life hell whilst not really preventing anything.” He checked his watch, adding, “well, that’s my break. I’ll ...

Detroit-Style Soccer Just As Deadly As Detroit-Style Bank Robberies

Detroit, MI – A Detroit-area soccer player accused of killing a referee with a punch to his neck has been charged with second-degree murder. “It was pretty easy to close the case,” said a Detroit Police Detective. “There are six of us here, and I know it wasn’t Donna.” He pointe to a woman far ...

Cyberbully All You Want, New Yorkers

New York, NY – New York’s top court struck down a law that made cyberbullying a crime, in what had been viewed as a test case of recent state and local statutes that target online speech. “I agree the law is overreaching,” said another New York judge. “Turn off the computer, talk to the aggressor’s ...

Cupcakes Banned From School, Kids Live Forever

Olympia, WA – A local school district complies with First Lady Michelle Obama’s lunch rules and bans birthday cupcakes. “It’s time we crack some skulls!” said a White House official. “We will drone any school that doesn’t comply with the executive mandate issued by our queen regent!” After touching his head to the ground, he ...

Court: Stop Wasting Our Time

Washington DC – The Supreme Court ruled that some corporations can hold religious objections that allow them to opt out of the new health law requirement that they cover contraceptives for women. “Mostly, because, you know, what are you, cheap?” wrote a Justice in the majority opinion. “It’s not like surgery or anything. Seriously. You’re ...

Po Po Can’t See Yo Selfies

Washington DC – The Supreme Court ruled that police cannot go snooping through people’s cell phones without a warrant, in a unanimous decision that amounts to a major statement in favor of privacy rights. “But I heard a woman screaming in there!” argued a cop. “I had to rush in, it was a matter of ...