Washington DC – According to top-secret documents and interviews with US intelligence officials, the National Security Agency is gathering nearly five billion records a day on the whereabouts of cellphones around the world, enabling the agency to track the movements of individuals, and map their relationships, in ways that would have been previously unimaginable.
“How could they be so efficient?” asked a stunned American. “I mean, five billion a day? And they keep all of this information? And it’s searchable?” He sat down in his chair, rubbed his temples, and added, “I just can’t believe they actually can do their job. I mean… wow. You win. Seriously, track away, that’s amazing.”
“Which is why we use letters,” said a terrorist as he opened his PO Box. “Totally untraceable. Like this: blueprints, timelines, contacts… I’m going to drive over to Lancaster and pick up the goods, then drive over to Miami to haul the freight back over here.” His smile melted as he asked, “wait, how did you find me?”
The European Spy Agency called the tracking “impressive”, “scary” and “this is why we don’t function. Fifteen spies from fifteen different countries? We can’t even agree who gets the window offices and who gets the interior ones. Stop calling dibs, France. No, stop!”
“Yeah, we’ve been working on real stuff,” said a government programmer. “Sorry, healthcare people, but we don’t do website design. If you want us to program missiles to intercept other missiles and then send a retaliatory strike to the exact point of launch, that’s no problem. But websites? Pass.”