San Francisco, CA – General Mills Inc must defend a lawsuit that claims the food company deceived consumers into believing its Fruit Roll-Ups and Fruit by the Foot snacks are made with real fruit.
“We’re confident that the jury will find that we use the word ‘fruit’ as a legal word, as in, ‘hey, there’s fruit in this delicious’ or ‘fruit? Sure, there’s some fruit in these things’,” said a company spokesman. “Simply put, we intended to use the word ‘fruit’ as a noun-like describer of non-noun entities. We’re confident we’ll win.”
“No, I have nothing better to do with my time!” shrieked a mother involved in the class action. “There, I said it, now you have nothing to hold against me!” She stormed out of the room only to pop her head back in and yell, “and your wasting your time with this article!”
Judges called the case “a pointless endeavor”, “oh, we’re fair and impartial, unless it’s a total bull[expletive deleted] case like this one” and “seriously? You’re seriously challenging a food company because they used the word ‘fruit’? What’s wrong with you? You’re the reason Parks and Rec is being cancelled.”
“Are people going to sue Coca-Cola because it doesn’t have coke in it?” asked a student of life. “Or Pepsi because it doesn’t have pep? Or Facebook because they don’t have books? It’s society, man, that’s, like, making- hey! Why are you giving me the finger? And why are you writing this down? I don’t get what’s going on here.”
