Parents Might Be Responsible For Their Child’s Actions

Atlanta, GA – A Georgia Court of Appeals ruled parents can be held liable for what their kids post on Facebook, a decision that lawyers said marked a legal precedent on the issue of parental responsibility over their children’s online activity.

“Wait, so I’m in charge of my kid?” asked a father. “I have to teach him or her how the world works, the constructs of the social contract, and the basics of living in a civilized society?” He lit a cigarette, adding, “yeah, I didn’t say ‘him or her’ so my comments are applicable to everyone, I literally don’t know if my kid is a boy or girl. Whatever.”

“So my parents go to jail if I do this?” asked a teen as he threw a molotov cocktail through a hospital window. As police arrived on the scene he added, “I did it. Throw my parents in jail! They’re responsib- ow! Why did you hit- ow! You can’t handcuff me!”

The Court also ruled “if [local sandwich shop] Quick’s [deli] screws up this lunch order, we’re done with them”, “no, [stenographer] Mary [last name not given], don’t enter that into the records” and “okay, now we both look like idiots. No, stop typing. Damn it, stop [end of transcript]”

“It seems reasonable,” said a lawyer. “I mean, the court needs cases, we need money, so everyone wins.” He cleared his throat, adding, “I’m going to have to bill you for the full hour.”

Supreme Court Makes Decisions By Not Deciding

Washington DC – The US Supreme Court declined to decide once and for all whether states can ban gay marriage, a surprise move that will allow gay men and women to marry in five states where same-sex weddings were previously forbidden. “We won!” said a gay man. “Well, I mean, we kinda won because they passed on doing something, not by them making a definitive ...

NFL’s War On Women, Muslims

Kansas City, MO – The NFL says a Kansas Chiefs player should not have been penalized after sliding to his knees in a Muslim prayer following an interception return for a touchdown. “We respect all religions just like we respect woman,” said a top NFL officer. After a very long pause he added, “okay, are we done here? I so many horrible things to say ...

US Government Falls Into Chaos

Washington DC – Eric Holder, the nation’s first black US attorney general, is preparing to announce his resignation today after a tumultuous tenure marked by civil rights advances, national security threats, reforms to the criminal justice system and almost six years of fights with Republicans in Congress. “It’s time we move on,” said a member ...

Wasting Food Makes Seattle Cry

Seattle, WA – The City of Seattle just passed a new trash ordinance that would fine residents and businesses for throwing away too much food. “Well, that banana is still good!” said food inspector Jonathan C. Serth as he pulled out his ticket book. “I mean, how could you, in good consciousness, throw out a ...

Federal Appeals Court Rules Obamacare Isn’t As Great As People Complain

Washington DC – A federal appeals court has ruled that the federal government may not subsidize health insurance plans for people in thirty six states that decided not to set up their own marketplaces under the law. “I’m sorry,” said a Justice. “But the law is a real big mess. You can fix it, but ...

Obama Gives Gays Rights!

Washington DC – President Obama gave employment protection to gay and transgender workers in the federal government and its contracting agencies, after being convinced by advocates of what he called the “irrefutable rightness of your cause.” “We’ve done it!” shouted a White House official. “We’ve given rights to that point zero, zero, zero, zero percent ...

Illegal Aliens Fly Without Security, Terrorists Stunned With Sudden Win

Mcallen, TX – According to the National Border Patrol Council (NBPC), illegal aliens are being allowed to fly on commercial airliners without valid identification. “It’s not my job to check people’s status,” said a TSA agent as he reviewed a traveler’s ID. “It’s my job to randomly make life hell whilst not really preventing anything.” ...