Tobacco Companies Finally Settle Lawsuits Once And For All

Houston, TX – Three major US tobacco companies will pay one hundred million dollars to settle hundreds of federal lawsuits over smoking.

“There,” said a tobacco lawyer. “Now we’ll never get in trouble again for selling what is literally cancer.” He smiled, adding, “now, kids, let’s talk about how cool it is to smoke. What are you guys, eight? Oh, you should be up to a pack a day by now! Come on, [teacher] Ms. Bergheimer, please? They’d be so cool! Great!”

“Finally!” said a sickly man on his deathbed. “It’s about time they paid me for tricking me into smoking.” After a long coughing fit he noted, “oh, less blood this time. What? My ears? Oh no. No! Nurse! Help, it’s in the ears! Nurse!”

The American Cigar Association called the settlement “bad for business”, “what if other groups of sick people all of a sudden realize that the products we’ve been hocking for the past few centuries were the very same thing that’s killing them?” and “ehhh, we’ll just drag our feet like the tobacco folks or the booze lobby. They’ve been actively killing people since the Industrial Revolution. Lucky bastards.”

“Who doesn’t know smoking is bad?” screamed a woman. “And then you have the balls to sue a company over the choices you made?” She spat, adding, “I think I speak for everyone when I say you’re a [expletive deleted]ing idiot. Jesus.” She sat back down at her desk, adding, “okay, let’s talk about your refi.”

DHS Urges Citizens To Ignore Threats, Keep Shopping

Washington DC – The Department of Homeland Security has denied it is aware of any credible terrorist plots against shopping centers on US soil after their chief advised shoppers, particularly in the Mall of America, to be careful following threats from Somali extremists. “Guys, sixty percent of our economy is based on consuming,” said a White House official. “So you gotta get out there, brave ...

Rioters Need Very Little Unrest To Riot, A Lot Of Rest To Riot

St. Louis, MO – A grand jury has reached a decision on whether to indict a police officer for defending himself against an attack from a strong-arm robbery suspect. “We have to make this about race!” shouted a minority. “If we don’t it’s just a story about a man who was high, robbed a store and then was shot for charging a police offer ...

NFL Bullied By Drug Enforcement Agency

Tampa, FL – Federal drug agents conducted surprise inspections of National Football League team medical staffs on Sunday as part of an ongoing investigation into prescription drug abuse in the league. “We shouldn’t be patrolling the border and stopping the cartels,” said an Federal drug agent. “We shouldn’t be stopping drug dealers, or cracking ...

Hunter Kills Bear, Avenges Partner’s Death

Kodiak, AK – A Washington state man shot and killed a bear mauling his hunting partner on a small Alaskan island and then its cub that popped out from some brush. “Normally we don’t let people take the law into their own hands,” said a local police officer. “But Alaska is a big state and ...

Parents Might Be Responsible For Their Child’s Actions

Atlanta, GA – A Georgia Court of Appeals ruled parents can be held liable for what their kids post on Facebook, a decision that lawyers said marked a legal precedent on the issue of parental responsibility over their children’s online activity. “Wait, so I’m in charge of my kid?” asked a father. “I have to ...

Supreme Court Makes Decisions By Not Deciding

Washington DC – The US Supreme Court declined to decide once and for all whether states can ban gay marriage, a surprise move that will allow gay men and women to marry in five states where same-sex weddings were previously forbidden. “We won!” said a gay man. “Well, I mean, we kinda won because they ...

NFL’s War On Women, Muslims

Kansas City, MO – The NFL says a Kansas Chiefs player should not have been penalized after sliding to his knees in a Muslim prayer following an interception return for a touchdown. “We respect all religions just like we respect woman,” said a top NFL officer. After a very long pause he added, “okay, are ...