Rioters Need Very Little Unrest To Riot, A Lot Of Rest To Riot

St. Louis, MO – A grand jury has reached a decision on whether to indict a police officer for defending himself against an attack from a strong-arm robbery suspect.

“We have to make this about race!” shouted a minority. “If we don’t it’s just a story about a man who was high, robbed a store and then was shot for charging a police offer and taking his gun! Facts and emotion are like… something and something. Whatever, I’m sorry I’m not smart like you, oppressor! Riot!”

“We’re looking for evidence to try a case,” said a judge. “That’s it. There’s nothing more than that.” Over the boos he added, “you could literally freak out over any case where two different races are involved. No, that isn’t an invitation to- please, let me eat my breakfast in peace! Yes, I guess if you ordered something you could stay. Great, so everyone’s getting the lumberjack special?”

The UN called the potential finding “alarming”, “another reason why the US should be broken up and distributed to Russia” and “no, Russia didn’t orchestrate this to take out a political obstacle. No, Russia isn’t making us say this. No, Russia is great and you should all bow to her. Russia!”

“I get the feeling that no matter what the verdict, some folks are going to riot,” said a woman. “And that is a shame. Yall should act like civilized folk and not give em the opportunity to call you otherwise.” She shook her head and went back to boarding up her house.

NFL Bullied By Drug Enforcement Agency

Tampa, FL – Federal drug agents conducted surprise inspections of National Football League team medical staffs on Sunday as part of an ongoing investigation into prescription drug abuse in the league. “We shouldn’t be patrolling the border and stopping the cartels,” said an Federal drug agent. “We shouldn’t be stopping drug dealers, or cracking down on prescription abuse, or… sorry, I gotta go. I’m ...

Hunter Kills Bear, Avenges Partner’s Death

Kodiak, AK – A Washington state man shot and killed a bear mauling his hunting partner on a small Alaskan island and then its cub that popped out from some brush. “Normally we don’t let people take the law into their own hands,” said a local police officer. “But Alaska is a big state and we really could use a break.” He took a sip ...

Parents Might Be Responsible For Their Child’s Actions

Atlanta, GA – A Georgia Court of Appeals ruled parents can be held liable for what their kids post on Facebook, a decision that lawyers said marked a legal precedent on the issue of parental responsibility over their children’s online activity. “Wait, so I’m in charge of my kid?” asked a father. “I have to ...

Supreme Court Makes Decisions By Not Deciding

Washington DC – The US Supreme Court declined to decide once and for all whether states can ban gay marriage, a surprise move that will allow gay men and women to marry in five states where same-sex weddings were previously forbidden. “We won!” said a gay man. “Well, I mean, we kinda won because they ...

NFL’s War On Women, Muslims

Kansas City, MO – The NFL says a Kansas Chiefs player should not have been penalized after sliding to his knees in a Muslim prayer following an interception return for a touchdown. “We respect all religions just like we respect woman,” said a top NFL officer. After a very long pause he added, “okay, are ...

US Government Falls Into Chaos

Washington DC – Eric Holder, the nation’s first black US attorney general, is preparing to announce his resignation today after a tumultuous tenure marked by civil rights advances, national security threats, reforms to the criminal justice system and almost six years of fights with Republicans in Congress. “It’s time we move on,” said a member ...

Wasting Food Makes Seattle Cry

Seattle, WA – The City of Seattle just passed a new trash ordinance that would fine residents and businesses for throwing away too much food. “Well, that banana is still good!” said food inspector Jonathan C. Serth as he pulled out his ticket book. “I mean, how could you, in good consciousness, throw out a ...