Listening To Mozart Is Better Than Taking Care Of Yourself, Making Sense In A Headline

Berlin, Germany – A new study has shown relaxing to a soothing Mozart symphony can lower the blood pressure as much as cutting salt from the diet or exercising.

“Of course it’s soothing, it’s German,” said a German. “No, no, Austrian just means German. Everything means German.” He pointed to the EU flag, adding, “that means Germany. We won. Of course, you can argue something else, but… Germany, am I right?” He pointed to our translator, adding, “German.” We weren’t sure if something was being said out of context, but we just accepted it and moved on.

“That’s the best…” gasped a very overweight man. “News I’ve…” He took a few more labored breaths, gave a few wet coughs, then noted, “gotten.” He then took a three hour nap, woke to finish eating an entire Churrasco from the stake, washed it down with almost two liters of Diet Coke, then twelve antacid chews. “Good… news.”

Other studies claim “listening to Maroon 5 can cure most forms of melanoma”, “hearing cats screaming helps people feel better about themselves” and “silence is deadly. Don’t look any further into it, just trust us: silence is deadly.”

“Yeah, that sounds wrong,” said an athletic woman. “And why not eat right, exercise, and listen to Mozart. What happens then? No, I’m pretty sure elves don’t exist. Also, you couldn’t just turn immortal, you’d have to be born, right? I dunno, we’ll have to find someone who read the Silmarillion. Yeah, we’ll never know.”