Longest Tunnel Opens Tomorrow, Say Excited Terrorists

Paris, France – The world gets a little smaller tomorrow with the unveiling of the longest and deepest railway tunnel ever constructed, which is being called a feat of engineering under the Alps that will slash journey times across Europe.

“Now I can finally get to Switzerland to, you know, be in… Switzerland,” said a French man. “There’s gotta be some reason I would go to Switzerland, right? We wouldn’t just dig a massive tunnel from one crappy part of Europe to a colder, crappier part of Europe for no reason at all, right?”

“That’s pretty cool,” said a pilot as he powered up the engines of his Boeing 767. “People will be able to get to some other place in slightly less time than driving. If only there was a super fast way of getting around.” He patted the yoke, adding, “oh well.”

The European Channel Tunnel Commission called the opening “a slap in our faces”, “gives a whole meaning to that Krafwerk song” and “no! We won’t get distracted by 70s synth pop! Damn you, Earunnel! That’s what we’re calling it, right? Earth tunnel equals Earunnel? Then it’s even stupider than we originally thought!”

“I’m glad their finally unveiling it,” said a local man. “Because most of us can’t find it. You have no idea how many times we’ve tried to drive through a tunnel and it was just painted on the side of the mountain. Yeah, it’s funny until it happens to you.”