Los Angeles, CA – The Los Angeles Board of Supervisors this week agreed to raise fines to up to one thousand dollars for anyone who throws a football or a Frisbee on any beach in Los Angeles County.

“We’re ready to take down these sick bastards,” said a LA police officer as he pulled out his nightstick. “No perp is gonna throw a football to his son or a frisbee to his daughter. Not on my watch.” He clubbed a man as he passed by whilst shouting, “never forget!”

“We can finally recoup all of our losses from that ponzi scheme,” said a top LA Council official. “Or as the Teachers Union called it: renegotiation! But seriously, we’re super [expletive deleted]ed. They raked us over the coals. Literally. I hope that explains why I’m in the burn ward as well.”

Beach communities across the US are considering new laws to raise income, including “smoking on the beach is a five hundred dollar fine”, “if you bring your dog to the beach, we take your house” and “any sand taken away from the beach is detrimental to our environment, therefor you will be shot on site as a ecoterrorist.”

“They also put in place a fine for a hole dug deeper than eighteen inches,” said a local resident. “I know you guys do funny/snarky news things, but I’m being totally serious. No wonder why they banned assault weapons. No, I’m not implying that I would- how did the cops get here so- [tape abruptly ends”