Detroit, MI – US safety regulators have opened a preliminary investigation into consumer complaints of driver’s side door fires in 2007 model year Toyota Camry sedans and RAV4 crossover SUVs.

“We’re not going that well this century,” said a car manufacturer. “Pretty much every year we have two or three major recalls. Remember? The speeding up? The breaks? The fires? The airbags? The steering?” He took a deep breath before continuing, “the fires in other places? Something about the frame? The rolling? And now this one? Yeah, not a good century.”

“Come on, no car is going to- oh my God! Fire!” shouted driver Stephanie Cutler. “Don’t worry, kids, I’ll flip the car, that’ll put it out!” As she came out of a sharp turn she shouted, “come on! You won’t flip when I need you to-” She started screaming as the steering wheel came off in her hand.

Airlines called the investigation “great!”, “well, not for all the horribly burned victims, or the loss of faith in any auto manufacturer, or the general decline of American workers despite the sharp increase in pay and benefits” and “sorry, we got a little side-tracked. This is great because it means we’re relatively safer. Relatively.”

“How does a car door catch on fire?” asked dog groomer Roger Merfold. “There isn’t anything in there but glass and a motor for the window.” He shook his head before adding, “I hate to be the one who says it, but this day marks the end of Western civilization as we know it.”