Medical Research Hits The Jackpot, Millions Of Women To Die

Atlanta, GA – A growing number of medical researchers say more than eight million women are at risk of difficult-to-treat bladder infections because superbugs growing in chickens are resistant to antibiotics and transmitting E. coli to humans.

“At first I was all, ‘whaaaaaa?’ but now I’m like, ‘oooooooookay,’” said a researcher. “And then I heard that [fellow researcher] Mike [Killion] was all, ‘alright now’ so now I’m thinking, ‘maybe.’” He shrugged and added, “so I guess you could say we’re a growing number.”

“Millions of women… superbug… bladder infections… E coli… chickens!” sputtered an AP editor. He rubbed his hands on his face and screamed, “this is the best story ever!” He fell to the ground, twitching with ecstasy, murmuring, “everyone will die! Best story ever! Everyone will die!”

The Food industry called an emergency press conference where a spokesman announced “I will kiss this chicken and prove, once and for all, that chicken is safe”, “I’m gonna do it. Right now. I’m gonna kiss a chicken” and “hold on, that’s my cell. Hello? Yes, Mr. President, I do support women’s rights. Sell more chickens and save women? Okay, if that’s what you want. Sorry, folks, the President gave me a direct order.”

“So should I be eating chicken?” asked a woman. “Is there a safe way to kill the bacteria? Why aren’t men at risk? What about my children? Seriously, you’re just going to tell me I’m at risk of dying and then walk away? Hey! Come back!”

Report filed by Editor at 10:00 am