Winston-Salem, NC – Researchers reported in the Journal of Hand Therapy that men and women under thirty have weaker grip strength than they did back in 1985.
“Yes, it’s true,” said a researcher. “There is such a thing called the Journal of Hand Therapy. Oh, you won’t believe the journals we found. In fact, look for our new report in the Journal of Journal Reviews. It’s bi-quarterly. No, that’s the Quarterly Journal Review. They’re much more active, but we found their content to be lacking.”
“That’s it!” said a millennial. “I’m gonna punch you.” What followed was a slow-motion sort of punch/slap that glanced off of our reporter’s elbow. “Yeah, now you’re my bitch. I mean, unless you identify another way. I’m so sorry, that’s… lemme buy you a locally sourced microbrew. Not that you couldn’t buy one yourself. I mean… sorry, I gotta tweet all of this before I forget it.”
Researchers also found “women were a lot more sassy in the 80s”, “hotdogs were better in the 80s” and “let’s face it, our best days are behind us. Well, until those Baby Boomers die off. Ugh, right?”
“Dude, the 80s are wicked awesome!” said a kid dressed in a day-glow windbreaker, knee-high socks, a sweatband, and short-shorts with a walkman on his waistband. We couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or trying to give the 80s a proper sendoff, but felt weird asking, so we gave a curt nod and moved on. “Radical!” he yelled after us, further muddying the emotionally confusing waters.