Microsoft Buys LinkedIn, Still Can’t Get Employees Using LinkedIn

San Francisco, CA – Microsoft has reached a deal to acquire LinkedIn for twenty six billion dollars, the largest acquisition in the tech company’s history, to dive into the social-networking realm.

“Will you take a cashier’s check?” asked a Microsoft official. “Or do you want it in bills?” She pointed to a room full of money, adding, “or, you can ‘take what you want.’ I shouldn’t be telling you this, but you won’t believe how heavy twenty six billion is. You should go with the cashier’s check. No? Okay, you have one minute to take what you can from the MS Bill’s Bill Room! Annnnnnnnnd go!”

“So, we’re all fired?” asked a LinkedIn employee. “That’s fine, I’ll just my profile to get a job.” After a very long time he added, “yeah, I don’t get why anyone would buy us. Spare some change? Please? I just lost my job.”

Other leaked provisions of the deal include “all employees must do the Truffle Shuffle before leaving for lunch”, “everyone named ‘Allan’ must change their name to ‘Allen'” and “the third Friday of every month a sacrifice must be made to the gods of the OS or we shall have another Windows ME. Trust us, we had to kill a lot of employees to fix that mess.”

“Are these companies really worth billions?” asked a man. “If so, what do I have to do to create one and become rich? Huh. Okay, what- oh. Okay. No, I don’t know a thing about- yeah, no. No. Nope.” He picked up his shovel, adding, “okay, back to work.”