San Francisco, CA – Microsoft has gotten rid of the “start” button in the latest build of Windows 8.

“This is genius!” said a Microsoft programmer. “Now people can never run a program, so they can’t be disappointed by our engineering, operating system, core architecture, component support and overall performance!” He held up the middle finger and shouted, “take that, American business community!”

“So how do I get to my programs?” asked an elderly lady as she leaned closer to the screen. “And is this compatible with my video card? How much memory is being allocated just to run this crummy operating system? Why won’t it recognize my DVD drive?” After we suggested buying a competing desktop she shouted, “What? Pay a few hundred more for a system that works? Pish posh.”

Linux enthusiasts called the move “ridiculous”, “almost as stupid as paying for a computer that has graphics” and “there is no reason that life shouldn’t look like Dwarf Fortress. By the way, when’s the next release coming out? Well, that’s not soon enough.”

“We’re not sure what will happen, but we’re preparing for all contingencies,” said a top Canadian official. “Chances are very high that millions of Americans will be confused, get bored and start a war. Guess who they always consider invading? That’s right. But this time, we’ll be ready. So ready.”