Microsoft Unveils New Evil Operating System

Silicon Valley, CA – Microsoft began sending a revamped version of Windows to makers of computers, smartphones or tablets powered by the software.

“The best part about this new OS is it works,” said a company programmer. “For about three months. Then it’ll crash and delete everything. Oh, or if you try to add any third party hardware. Or if you turn it on. Or… you get my point. We’re taking advantage and no one can stop us. No one!” After looking around he added, “see?”

“Why not stop in and buy one of our products,” said a cheerful Apple employee. “It’ll only cost you a few grand and will work just as well a three hundred dollar desktop. Come on, all your friends are doing it. Great! Oops, a new version just came out. Buy it!” As he pulled out a baton he whispered, “now.”

The tech sector called the new system “the best thing out!”, “the worst thing we’ve ever seen” and “thank God they released this or we’d have nothing to complain about. Well, until they start leaking pictures of the new Star Wars movie.”

“Ugh, why does every new operating system have to be ‘dynamic’ and ‘engaging?’” asked a Linux user. “Why can’t it just get me the files I want as fast as possible, run the programs I want to run as fast as possible, and store the files I’m not using in the most efficient way? Is that too much to ask? How? How is it? How?!”

Report filed by Editor at 9:00 am