East Prairie, MO – Residents got an early morning jolt this morning after a four point something earthquake rumbled at least nine states, causing minor damage and a big stir in town.

“This is clearly the work of terrorists,” shouted a local official. “Or global warming! Either one or the other. There’s never any news that earthquakes are normal occurrences, so it must be from something evil.” He took a deep breath before shouting, “we’ve brought this upon ourselves!”

“I thought it was the rapture!” screamed a local woman. “But then I realized it was just an earthquake. Then I realized I’m really not ready for the rapture. Then I realized I really haven’t lived. Then I realized it was already dawn and I was unconscious for five hours because the shelf fell and hit me on the head.” She pointed to her bandaged head and added, “ow.”

The National Weather Service called the quake “the scariest thing to happen post Valentines but pre-Lent”, “that’s how we categorize things” and “if you’re going to be a jerk about it, we won’t talk to you until post Arbor Day but pre-summer time blues.”

“The world is falling apart,” said a man on the bank line. “The only thing left to do is take out your money and put it all on black.” He pointed to an African American man and said, “I’m betting on that guy. I donno, to win something. Look, I’m complaining on a bank line, I’m obviously not in a good place in my life right now.”