Miss America Pageant As Real As WWE, Global Warming

Las Vegas, NV – Another Miss USA contestant has come forward saying she heard Miss Florida reveal the list of finalists backstage before the pageant’s top fifteen were even announced.

“Are you telling me that these girls aren’t picked on their merits, but rather because of some shady, back-door dealings?” said housewife Denise Talfer. “Well, that’s a huge betrayal of trust!” She lit a cigarette and added, “two days on the job and this has to be the worst one.”

“There’s nothing wrong with manipulating women,” said Pageant Master Clyde Burns. “If you think about it, the whole thing is a corporate sponsored manipulation of women, so us picking the top five dogs really isn’t that big of a deal.” He slapped his assistant on the rump and added, “get us some coffee, sweetheart. Don’t worry, she always gives me a sinister glare before getting my coffee.”

The American Pageant Commission called the allegations “distressing”, “almost as bad as when we approved the Miss Hurricane winners of ’04” and “that was a dark day for pageantry. A dark day indeed. Yes, worthy of the ‘failure’ sash.”

“I’m sure they just made a mistake,” said an American. “Let’s not make a federal case about it, like when those dudes lied about baseball. No, let’s literally not make a federal case about it. Why should we waste Congress’ time and spend tax payer money. Who cares?”