Money Buys Happiness

Washington DC – Researchers report money can buy happiness, but only if you spend it on someone else.

“So money buys you happiness, if you spend it on someone else,” reasoned amateur philosopher to a reasonably attractive woman at a coffee shop. “But by getting the satisfaction of spending money, you then are buying happiness. Oh dear God, I’ve just discovered the secret of life! Quickly, let me buy you a latte!”

“Well, before I decided to kill myself I spent all my money on the homeless,” said suicide survivor Brent Nasert from his hospital bed. “I realized the preciousness of each waking moment when I saw how I improved that poor man’s life. Hell of it was, I was flat broke which made me suicidal. Fifty pills later I wake up in here.”

The Semantics Association of America (SAA) called the findings “a new twist to an old idea”, “as long as you have appropriate definitions for happiness, money, can, buy and researchers, I think you’d have a theory” and “look, we can talk you into doing pretty much anything so why not just give us your money now before you make a fool of yourself.”

“As long as we have money, we can’t have happiness,” said an enlightened man. “I’d explain it, but most people can’t pay attention for more than a few- hey! Where are you going? Don’t you want to know how to escape the cycle of pain and suffering? Hello?”