Seattle, WA – A survey by SNL Financial shows bank branch closures are heading for a record year as the industry trims down and services get increasingly electronic.
“So when a bank closes, I lose my money?” asked a twenty something. “No, I really don’t know how it works, that’s why I’m asking you! No, they didn’t teach me this in school. Are you going to berate me or tell me- no, I have skinnier jeans. Now can you please- yes, it took a long time to grow this beard. Can- oh my God! Forget it!”
“We’re not worried,” said a US Treasury officer. “As long as people still believe in the dollar, we’ll be just fine.” He cleared his throat, adding, “but you have to believe. Please, you have to. This whole thing is based on belief! Please! Thank you.”
The survey also shows “banks are super careless with your money”, “you’re too much of an idiot to know how to properly handle your own money” and “this is why Russia is winning. That and the whole Kardashian thing.”
“Should I be alarmed?” asked a man. “Or is this normal? Is this part of a cycle or the end of a bubble?” He threw his arms up in the air and shouted, “I don’t know anything! Happy? Why would you say yes? Oh. No, that makes sense. If that’s the only way you feel happiness. Yeah. Okay.”