New York, NY – Stocks rose today, with the Dow and S&P 500 hitting all-time highs, after the government reported that orders for durable goods, such as toasters and washing machines, jumped far more than expected in July, casting a favorable light on the economy.
“More people are buying washing machines,” said hedge fund manager and heavy drinker Kyle Gertz. “That means people are going to be cleaner, which means they’ll feel better, which means they’ll buy more stuff, which means the economy will grow!” He picked up the phone and shouted, “buy!”, slammed it down, then picked it up again, adding, “sorry, not ‘bye’ like goodbye, but ‘buy’ like purchase things. Bye.”
“Finally,” said a rich person. “It’s about time we get a break.” He pushed a button on his desk and shouted, “[assistant] Robin? Can you come in here? And bring my poor killing equipment. Thank you, Robin.” He sat back in his chair, adding, “finally.”
The European Union called the surge “a welcome surprise”, “sorry about the plans to destroy you after the Great Collapse” and “huh? Oh, no, we were just kidding. That’s not a thing for us. Wait, are you- what? No. Whatever.”
“Great!” said a poor woman. “Now I can get all the stuff I want and be happy.” She looked around her small apartment, adding, “ah, who am I kidding? I’m the richest woman on Earth, what with my family and friends.” She sighed, adding, “who am I kidding? This sucks.”