US Tax Money Spent On ‘Massaging Rabbits’

Washington DC – A US Senator reports more than a dozen lucky rabbits were given Swedish massages four times a day, courtesy of the taxpayer, as part of a study to figure out whether massage can help recovery times after strenuous exercise.

“Who approves such waste?” screamed a Congressman. “When I find out who… oh.” He cleared his throat several times, then whispered, “I’ll be in my office.” He then pulled his suit jacket over his head, bumped into an aide, who guided him out of sight.

“I’ve been on paid leave since 2002,” said a government worker. She held up her arm, revealing a rather large cast on her wrist, adding, “I broke this in early 2001. I was working as an approval clerk in the Treasury Department. We had to stamp fifty thousand approvals a day or we’d be fired.” She lit a cigarette, adding, “it was worth it.”

The report also found money was wasted on “seeing how fast Congress can spend money”, “Syria” and “re-electing do-nothing Congressmen”

“Those findings were amazing!” said biathloner Jerry McTennus. “With those massage techniques I can shave almost three tens of a second off my time!” He slung his rifle over his shoulder, adding, “watch out, PyeongChangians! Is that right? Or is it PyeongChangites?”

Greece Still Sucks At Math

Athens, Greece – After months out of the spotlight, Greece was back at the center of Europe’s financial troubles when concerns over the stability of the government and its bailout program triggered a massive sell-off in stocks and bonds. “But we tried!” said a Greek politician. “Surely that counts for something. Look, we’re all good people, so why is this happening? All we want to ...

You’ll Get Your Medical Refund, When We’re Good And Ready To Give It

Washington DC – Millions of Americans may qualify for waivers from the most unpopular part of President Barack Obama’s health care overhaul, but getting that exemption could be an ordeal. “It’s very simple,” said a Congressman. “You file for the reimbursement on your taxes. Depending on your income, we adjust the gross refund to give a net refund, which then is taxed. Depending on your ...

Contemporary Art Market Skyrockets Befuddling Contemporary Artists

Paris, France – The contemporary art market, buoyed by high demand and massive growth in China, smashed through the two billion mark for the first time in a record-breaking 2013-14 season. “Yes, I’m very happy I just paid three hundred eighty five million dollars for this picture of a red circle on a blue square,” ...

New Jersey Might Be Crappy, But It’s Still Better Than Florida

Trenton, NJ – New Jersey had its credit rating cut one step by Standard & Poor’s. “This is the eighth downgrade for this governor,” said a Democrat. “That has to mean he sucks! What? Oh, no, the crumbling economy, the failures overseas, the myriad of scandals has no bearing on our President! He inherited those ...

We’re All Gonna Be Filthy Rich, Which Is Good, Because We’ll Have To Pay Someone To Wash The Rich Off Of Us

New York, NY – Stocks rose today, with the Dow and S&P 500 hitting all-time highs, after the government reported that orders for durable goods, such as toasters and washing machines, jumped far more than expected in July, casting a favorable light on the economy. “More people are buying washing machines,” said hedge fund manager ...

The Government Gave Away Two Billion Dollars

Washington DC – According to data from the Bureau of the Fiscal Service’s Monthly Treasury Statement, Americans received over two trillion dollars in benefits and entitlements in fiscal year 2013 from government programs. “Yeah, we gave a lot of it away,” siad a White House official. “Oh, right, you’d think we have nothing to do ...

Federal Health Laws Ruin School Bake Sales, Annoy Band Car Washers

Seattle, WA – A federal law that aims to curb childhood obesity means that, in dozens of states, bake sales must adhere to nutrition requirements that could replace cupcakes and brownies with fruit cups and granola bars, costing schools thousands. “We fixed America, we fixed the world, so now it’s time to move onto the ...