IRS Probably Won’t Audit You, Until You’re Flagged For Reading This Story

Washington DC – As millions of Americans race to meet tomorrow’s tax deadline, their chances of getting audited are lower than they have been in years.

“How much lower?” asked a tax payer. “How many years in your range? Is there a schedule or table I can reference? Oh, so you just kinda fudged the numbers and presented a fact that you sorta believe is true?” He hit the bars of his prison cell and screamed, “so how is it illegal when I do it on my taxes? Let me outta here!”

“Don’t misunderstand,” said an IRS agent. “If we don’t like you, if we don’t like the people you hang out with, or the charities you donate to, or any vague political Facebook posting, or how you spell your name, or anything: we’re going to audit.” Before we could ask a followup question he shouted, “audit!”

The AP went on to report “most American’s don’t get pulled over for speeding”, “if we all do something illegal, they’ll just give up” and “look at the pot thing. Now, let’s redouble our efforts and legalize meth! Come on, guys, we can do it! For the kids!”

“Don’t they have some computer to target people for audits?” asked a woman. “So, umm, isn’t that, like, more effective? Well, don’t you constantly complain that the government is ineffective? So this is good, right? No, don’t try to spin it, you’re getting what you want and- hey! Come back! I’m not done reasoning with you! Hey!”

The People Helping You Save Are Stealing From You

Washington DC – A new study finds that the typical 401(k) fees, adding up to a modest-sounding one percent a year, would erase seventy thousand dollars from an average worker’s account over a four-decade career compared with lower-cost options. “That’s right!” screamed a financial planner from his private jet. “I’m so rich I take my drinking jet to get my smoking jet to get over ...

Stocks Fall For Three Days Erasing All Hopes, Some Dreams

New York, NY – US stocks declined for a third session yesterday, pulling the S&P 500 into the red for the year, as investors shed high-profile assets that fared well in 2013 in search of better values. “Stocks aren’t doing as well as I thought they should have?” asked an investor. “Then they must be doing worse than everyone else figured! Sell! Oh my Lord, ...

Students A Trillion In Debt And Kinda Smart

Washington DC – Experts claim the roughly thirty seven million Americans who are saddled with a trillion in student debt may never catch up with wealthy peers who began life after college free from the burden. “This is widening the gap between rich and poor,” said an expert. “Believe me, I know, I’m…” He sat ...

The Fed Sends Stocks Into Free Fell With Suggestion That They Become Self-Sufficient

Washington DC – US stocks fell for the first time in three days as Federal Reserve Chair Yellen said the central bank’s stimulus program could end this fall and benchmark interest rates could rise six months later. “Sorry, but this whole system is kinda based on a lie,” said a Fed Bank officer to a ...

Car Company Settlement Makes Everyone Safer

Washington DC – The US government announced a one point two billion dollar settlement with Toyota today and filed a criminal charge alleging the company defrauded consumers by issuing misleading statements about safety issues in Toyota and Lexus vehicles. “To be clear, now we’re admitting nothing,” said a car spokeswoman. “Legally, we don’t have to, ...

Russia Could Dump Dollar, Destroy US

Moscow, Russia – A Kremlin aide mentioned Russia could reduce to zero its economic dependency on the United States if Washington agreed sanctions against Moscow over Ukraine, warning that the American financial system faced a “crash” if this happened. “The best thing to do in this unwinnable situation is to continue down the path of ...

Bitcoin Exchange Fails Meaning Nothing To No One

Tokyo, Japan – The sudden disappearance of one of the largest bitcoin exchanges only adds to the mystery and mistrust surrounding the virtual currency, which was just beginning to gain legitimacy beyond the technology enthusiasts and adventurous investors who created it. “Yeah, I don’t trust a currency I can’t see,” said a stock broker. “No, ...