The Government Gave Away Two Billion Dollars

Washington DC – According to data from the Bureau of the Fiscal Service’s Monthly Treasury Statement, Americans received over two trillion dollars in benefits and entitlements in fiscal year 2013 from government programs.

“Yeah, we gave a lot of it away,” siad a White House official. “Oh, right, you’d think we have nothing to do with how every individual government program works, but we do. We’re totally responsible for you getting your money. Vote for us!” He cleared his throat, adding, “sorry, force of habit.”

“They’s aint’ givin’ me all my money,” said a poor woman. “I should get fifty grand fo my work.” She looked around the lab, adding, “tho them brain medicines sure are messin’ with my dialog and what have you.” She lit a pipe, adding, “Lord yes.”

The Treasury Department noted “you won’t believe what we burn on foreign aid, those guys are really pushy”, “not to mention the trillions spent on ‘defense’” and “hey, you guys keep paying taxes, so, why not, right?”

“Hold up,” said a middle class man. “I didn’t get one freakin’ dime last year and paid tens of thousands in taxes. So the money I make working goes to other people and I don’t have a say? So for a third of my time at work, I’m working for someone else and not myself? Isn’t that slavery? Being forced to work with no compensation? Oh, so I can’t say that cause I’m white? Oh. Then I apologize.”

Federal Health Laws Ruin School Bake Sales, Annoy Band Car Washers

Seattle, WA – A federal law that aims to curb childhood obesity means that, in dozens of states, bake sales must adhere to nutrition requirements that could replace cupcakes and brownies with fruit cups and granola bars, costing schools thousands. “We fixed America, we fixed the world, so now it’s time to move onto the little stuff, like bake sales,” said a White House insider. ...

Eleven Countries On The Verge Of Economic Collapse, Or, On The Verge Of Economic Stability, Depending On Your Perspective

Tampa, FL – A new report claims eleven countries are very near bankruptcy. “List them?” said an economist. “I’d rather not. Not because I don’t know, but because that would really ruin the mystique. I mean, how are you going to freak out if you know they’re just po-dunk, poorly run socialist failures? You gotta think that it’s the US or this whole thing unravels.” ...

Stocks Fall For No Reason Whatsoever

New York, NY – US stocks declined today, positioning the Dow and S&P 500 for their first monthly losses since January. “Wait, I could lose money on stocks?” asked a day trader. “No, that doesn’t seem right.” He checked his computer, adding, “the government wouldn’t allow that, right? We all deserve to get rich, isn’t ...

A Good Chunk Of Americans Can’t Budget, Control Themselves

Atlanta, GA – According to a study released by the Urban Institute, more than thirty five percent of Americans have debts and unpaid bills that have been reported to collection agencies. “We need to take the money from the rich and give it to the poor!” shouted a former Occupier. “Then the poor can pay ...

Bitcoin Miner Hangs Up Virtual Hard Hat

New York, NY – The largest group of bitcoin miners, which maintains and processes transactions in the digital currency, is promising to avoid majority control of the currency as a temporary measure to maintain the payment system’s credibility. “Cool!” said a man running a bitcoin mining program on his PC. “Now I have a one ...

Maryland Screwed On Gas, Name

Baltimore, MD – Marylanders expect to pay more for gas this holiday weekend, as experts cite conflicts in Iraq for the huge price hike. “That’s unfair!” shouted a man eating crab cakes. “We should pay just as much as everyone else!” He pounded his Ravens jersey, adding, “we are all Maryland! Maryland strong! Come on, ...

GDP = God Damn Purse

Washington DC – The Commerce Department said gross domestic product fell at an almost three percent annual rate, the economy’s worst performance in five years, instead of the one percent pace it had reported last month. “We put out wrong numbers all the time,” said a Commerce Department spokesman. “I mean, all the time. We’re ...