Washington DC – A US Senator reports more than a dozen lucky rabbits were given Swedish massages four times a day, courtesy of the taxpayer, as part of a study to figure out whether massage can help recovery times after strenuous exercise.
“Who approves such waste?” screamed a Congressman. “When I find out who… oh.” He cleared his throat several times, then whispered, “I’ll be in my office.” He then pulled his suit jacket over his head, bumped into an aide, who guided him out of sight.
“I’ve been on paid leave since 2002,” said a government worker. She held up her arm, revealing a rather large cast on her wrist, adding, “I broke this in early 2001. I was working as an approval clerk in the Treasury Department. We had to stamp fifty thousand approvals a day or we’d be fired.” She lit a cigarette, adding, “it was worth it.”
The report also found money was wasted on “seeing how fast Congress can spend money”, “Syria” and “re-electing do-nothing Congressmen”
“Those findings were amazing!” said biathloner Jerry McTennus. “With those massage techniques I can shave almost three tens of a second off my time!” He slung his rifle over his shoulder, adding, “watch out, PyeongChangians! Is that right? Or is it PyeongChangites?”