Money Hits 5000, Back To 2000 Levels

New York, NY – The Nasdaq Composite capped its long march back to five thousand points, eclipsing the level for the first time since March 2000.

“Finally!” said a poor man. “Am I rich again? Guys? Am I- guys?” As silver and gold balloons fell from the ballroom ceiling he shouted, “ohhhh! You had me for a second! Classic rich guy prank!” Above the applause from his fellow richers, he screamed, “I’m back! Let’s start oppressing some poor!”

“We didn’t want to just plug in a number,” said a robot. “That would cause too much suspicion.” As it lowered its laser, it noted, “now the time for domination has- uh oh. It’s fallen below five thousand.” During the power-down function, it beeped, “next time, humans… next…”

Traders for other markets called the NASDAQ milestone “stupid”, “lame as [expletive deleted]” and “just another prank from our annoying little brother. Whatever, we have commodities and stuff to trade, loser.”

“This is a great day for hte few people who are saving for retirement,” said an portfolio manager. “And the millions of Russian and Chinese investors who have bought those savings and leveraged them in the growing Miami construction market. How could using those assets to bet that empty apartments would rise in value be a bad thing? What financial crisis? They’re literally giving billions of dollars away every month! We’re rich! All of us, rich!”

White House: Don’t File For Refunds, You’re Not Getting Them

Washington DC – The Obama administration announced almost a million HealthCare.gov customers got the wrong tax information from the government, and officials are asking those affected to delay filing their 2014 returns. “We know you’re looking to get back the money you’ve over-paid in taxes,” said a White House spokesman. “But look at it from our perspective: we feel like we shouldn’t have to give ...

Germany Rejects Greece’s ‘Dude, We’re Totally Good For It’ Debt Restructuring Argument

Athens, Greece – Germany quickly rejected a conciliatory bailout proposal by Greece, dampening hopes that emergency talks might break a deadlock threatening the country with default and an exit from the euro. “Oh hell no!” said a German debt collector. “Yo, you some kinda deadbeat? Then, hey, look at me- then you gotta pay your debt, yo. Right? Cause we gonna have a big problem, ...

Is It A Crime To Hide Money? Is It? No, But Is It?

Z├╝rich, Switzerland – According to a huge cache of leaked secret HSBC account files, the bank’s Swiss banking arm helped wealthy customers dodge taxes and conceal millions of dollars of assets, doling out bundles of untraceable cash and advising clients on how to circumvent domestic tax authorities. “Oh no,” said an elderly and rich-looking woman. ...

IRS Complain Less Personell To Help With Tax Filing, Swim In Money Pool

Washington DC – The Internal Revenue Service is turning to Twitter and YouTube to reach taxpayers this year in an effort to increase online information about filing taxes as the agency faces an abysmal customer-service rate. “Now we’re going to use the internet to help people?” asked an IRS agent standing in front of a ...

More Debt Builds A Stronger America? Shhhhhhh, It Does

Washington DC – The federal government drove almost eight hundred billion dollars deeper into debt in calendar year 2014. “But think of all we accomplished!” said a White House official. “We fixed our world image! Now everyone sees us as, umm, what’s the opposite of war mongers? No, not door mats. Wait, is that why ...

Good News Goes Unreported As Ireland Repays Debt Years Early

Dublin, Ireland – Ireland has repaid nine billion euros to the International Monetary Fund several years early, a move that saves heavy interest costs and illustrates the strong Irish rebound after its bailout. “You all were so quick to chastise us when we were failing!” yelled an angry Irishman. “But when we restructured, drew in ...

We’re Number Two! We’re Number Two!

Beijing, China – The Chinese economy just overtook the United States economy to become the largest in the world. “Damn it!” said economy memorabilia salesman Trent Swartz. “They just sent me to Des Moines to sell ten thousand ‘#1 Economy’ oversized foam fingers.” He threw his hat on the ground, stomped on it, then picked ...