We’re All Gonna Be Filthy Rich, Which Is Good, Because We’ll Have To Pay Someone To Wash The Rich Off Of Us

New York, NY – Stocks rose today, with the Dow and S&P 500 hitting all-time highs, after the government reported that orders for durable goods, such as toasters and washing machines, jumped far more than expected in July, casting a favorable light on the economy.

“More people are buying washing machines,” said hedge fund manager and heavy drinker Kyle Gertz. “That means people are going to be cleaner, which means they’ll feel better, which means they’ll buy more stuff, which means the economy will grow!” He picked up the phone and shouted, “buy!”, slammed it down, then picked it up again, adding, “sorry, not ‘bye’ like goodbye, but ‘buy’ like purchase things. Bye.”

“Finally,” said a rich person. “It’s about time we get a break.” He pushed a button on his desk and shouted, “[assistant] Robin? Can you come in here? And bring my poor killing equipment. Thank you, Robin.” He sat back in his chair, adding, “finally.”

The European Union called the surge “a welcome surprise”, “sorry about the plans to destroy you after the Great Collapse” and “huh? Oh, no, we were just kidding. That’s not a thing for us. Wait, are you- what? No. Whatever.”

“Great!” said a poor woman. “Now I can get all the stuff I want and be happy.” She looked around her small apartment, adding, “ah, who am I kidding? I’m the richest woman on Earth, what with my family and friends.” She sighed, adding, “who am I kidding? This sucks.”

The Government Gave Away Two Billion Dollars

Washington DC – According to data from the Bureau of the Fiscal Service’s Monthly Treasury Statement, Americans received over two trillion dollars in benefits and entitlements in fiscal year 2013 from government programs. “Yeah, we gave a lot of it away,” siad a White House official. “Oh, right, you’d think we have nothing to do with how every individual government program works, but we do. ...

Federal Health Laws Ruin School Bake Sales, Annoy Band Car Washers

Seattle, WA – A federal law that aims to curb childhood obesity means that, in dozens of states, bake sales must adhere to nutrition requirements that could replace cupcakes and brownies with fruit cups and granola bars, costing schools thousands. “We fixed America, we fixed the world, so now it’s time to move onto the little stuff, like bake sales,” said a White House insider. ...

Eleven Countries On The Verge Of Economic Collapse, Or, On The Verge Of Economic Stability, Depending On Your Perspective

Tampa, FL – A new report claims eleven countries are very near bankruptcy. “List them?” said an economist. “I’d rather not. Not because I don’t know, but because that would really ruin the mystique. I mean, how are you going to freak out if you know they’re just po-dunk, poorly run socialist failures? You gotta ...

Stocks Fall For No Reason Whatsoever

New York, NY – US stocks declined today, positioning the Dow and S&P 500 for their first monthly losses since January. “Wait, I could lose money on stocks?” asked a day trader. “No, that doesn’t seem right.” He checked his computer, adding, “the government wouldn’t allow that, right? We all deserve to get rich, isn’t ...

A Good Chunk Of Americans Can’t Budget, Control Themselves

Atlanta, GA – According to a study released by the Urban Institute, more than thirty five percent of Americans have debts and unpaid bills that have been reported to collection agencies. “We need to take the money from the rich and give it to the poor!” shouted a former Occupier. “Then the poor can pay ...

Bitcoin Miner Hangs Up Virtual Hard Hat

New York, NY – The largest group of bitcoin miners, which maintains and processes transactions in the digital currency, is promising to avoid majority control of the currency as a temporary measure to maintain the payment system’s credibility. “Cool!” said a man running a bitcoin mining program on his PC. “Now I have a one ...

Maryland Screwed On Gas, Name

Baltimore, MD – Marylanders expect to pay more for gas this holiday weekend, as experts cite conflicts in Iraq for the huge price hike. “That’s unfair!” shouted a man eating crab cakes. “We should pay just as much as everyone else!” He pounded his Ravens jersey, adding, “we are all Maryland! Maryland strong! Come on, ...