New York, NY – Consumers are expected to take to the web today to get the best deals delivered in time for Christmas in what is expected to be the busiest online shopping day of the year, but it may not be all good news for retailers.
“Back in my day, we’d spend billions!” exclaimed a thirty-something-year-old. “Kids these days don’t respect Cyber Monday. ‘Oh, I’ll just get it two days before on Amazon Prime.’ Come on!” He shook his fist, adding, “I didn’t fight in the [Coke/Pepsi] War for this! America has changed.”
“We jack up the prices for Cyber Monday,” said a cyber retailer. “The real deals are December eighteenth, or what we’re calling, ‘the Real Cyber Monday.’ Yeah, it’s not as catchy, but we were going for accuracy over glitz. Now, do you want to buy this eight hundred dollar blender? It’s on sale… great!”
The Better Business Bureau called the drop in sales “you better not even think about quoting us”, “we don’t care if this is a farce, erase all quotes now or we’ll drag you through the most expensive court proceedings in history” and “yes, legally you can post this threat, but… fine. You win this round.”
“But we’re still selling a ton of things,” said a store manager. “So… umm, what exactly are the numbers for online sales versus in-store sales? Okay, so you’re just estimating? Okay, so the original AP story is mostly conjecture sprinkled with a few quotes from economic talking heads? And you say we’re doomed! Can you put in a ‘lol’ here? Thanks.”