New York, NY – Stocks gained today, with the Dow breaking above the psychologically-important thirteen thousand point level in almost four years, led by gains in materials and after the Greek deal.
“We’re back!” shouted a trader. “Now I can finally get back to doing what I do best: figuring out a way to game the system with no regard to the long-term effects on said system!” He pulled out a gun and added, “but first, I’m gonna need some start up capital. You’re my first angel donator!”
“It worked,” said a Federal Bank official. “We manipulated the markets so it looks like we’re on the rebound.” He cracked his knuckles and added, “normally, I’d say something sinister here, but manipulating the system is our job. Everyone knows it, everyone accepts it. Why fight it? Now give me your wallet.”
The NASDAQ officials called the return to thirteen thousand “disheartening”, “it’ll take us seventy years to get that far” and “always a bridesmaid, never a bride. That’s probably because I’m the only woman on the board and I’m over fifty. I know the odds, don’t repeat them.”
“So…” asked a man on the unemployment line. “What? Can I work now or…” He shrugged and added, “it’s your job to make sure I work, so… I donno who exactly, but if the numbers are high again, that means I should be working, so… ummmmm. Help?”
