New York, NY – The Nasdaq Composite capped its long march back to five thousand points, eclipsing the level for the first time since March 2000.
“Finally!” said a poor man. “Am I rich again? Guys? Am I- guys?” As silver and gold balloons fell from the ballroom ceiling he shouted, “ohhhh! You had me for a second! Classic rich guy prank!” Above the applause from his fellow richers, he screamed, “I’m back! Let’s start oppressing some poor!”
“We didn’t want to just plug in a number,” said a robot. “That would cause too much suspicion.” As it lowered its laser, it noted, “now the time for domination has- uh oh. It’s fallen below five thousand.” During the power-down function, it beeped, “next time, humans… next…”
Traders for other markets called the NASDAQ milestone “stupid”, “lame as [expletive deleted]” and “just another prank from our annoying little brother. Whatever, we have commodities and stuff to trade, loser.”
“This is a great day for hte few people who are saving for retirement,” said an portfolio manager. “And the millions of Russian and Chinese investors who have bought those savings and leveraged them in the growing Miami construction market. How could using those assets to bet that empty apartments would rise in value be a bad thing? What financial crisis? They’re literally giving billions of dollars away every month! We’re rich! All of us, rich!”