As Banks Disappear, So Does Your Money

Seattle, WA – A survey by SNL Financial shows bank branch closures are heading for a record year as the industry trims down and services get increasingly electronic.

“So when a bank closes, I lose my money?” asked a twenty something. “No, I really don’t know how it works, that’s why I’m asking you! No, they didn’t teach me this in school. Are you going to berate me or tell me- no, I have skinnier jeans. Now can you please- yes, it took a long time to grow this beard. Can- oh my God! Forget it!”

“We’re not worried,” said a US Treasury officer. “As long as people still believe in the dollar, we’ll be just fine.” He cleared his throat, adding, “but you have to believe. Please, you have to. This whole thing is based on belief! Please! Thank you.”

The survey also shows “banks are super careless with your money”, “you’re too much of an idiot to know how to properly handle your own money” and “this is why Russia is winning. That and the whole Kardashian thing.”

“Should I be alarmed?” asked a man. “Or is this normal? Is this part of a cycle or the end of a bubble?” He threw his arms up in the air and shouted, “I don’t know anything! Happy? Why would you say yes? Oh. No, that makes sense. If that’s the only way you feel happiness. Yeah. Okay.”

IRS Warns IRS Won’t IRS Things As Efficiently As IRS

Washington DC – The Internal Revenue Service Commissioner warned that close to half the people trying to reach the IRS by phone might not get through during the upcoming 2015 tax filing season. “You’re not paying our guys ninety seven thousand dollars a year to answer phones, so we’re going to half-ass our job,” said an IRS agent. “Granted, we really weren’t giving it our ...

US Tax Money Spent On ‘Massaging Rabbits’

Washington DC – A US Senator reports more than a dozen lucky rabbits were given Swedish massages four times a day, courtesy of the taxpayer, as part of a study to figure out whether massage can help recovery times after strenuous exercise. “Who approves such waste?” screamed a Congressman. “When I find out who… oh.” He cleared his throat several times, then whispered, “I’ll be ...

Greece Still Sucks At Math

Athens, Greece – After months out of the spotlight, Greece was back at the center of Europe’s financial troubles when concerns over the stability of the government and its bailout program triggered a massive sell-off in stocks and bonds. “But we tried!” said a Greek politician. “Surely that counts for something. Look, we’re all good ...

You’ll Get Your Medical Refund, When We’re Good And Ready To Give It

Washington DC – Millions of Americans may qualify for waivers from the most unpopular part of President Barack Obama’s health care overhaul, but getting that exemption could be an ordeal. “It’s very simple,” said a Congressman. “You file for the reimbursement on your taxes. Depending on your income, we adjust the gross refund to give ...

Contemporary Art Market Skyrockets Befuddling Contemporary Artists

Paris, France – The contemporary art market, buoyed by high demand and massive growth in China, smashed through the two billion mark for the first time in a record-breaking 2013-14 season. “Yes, I’m very happy I just paid three hundred eighty five million dollars for this picture of a red circle on a blue square,” ...

New Jersey Might Be Crappy, But It’s Still Better Than Florida

Trenton, NJ – New Jersey had its credit rating cut one step by Standard & Poor’s. “This is the eighth downgrade for this governor,” said a Democrat. “That has to mean he sucks! What? Oh, no, the crumbling economy, the failures overseas, the myriad of scandals has no bearing on our President! He inherited those ...

We’re All Gonna Be Filthy Rich, Which Is Good, Because We’ll Have To Pay Someone To Wash The Rich Off Of Us

New York, NY – Stocks rose today, with the Dow and S&P 500 hitting all-time highs, after the government reported that orders for durable goods, such as toasters and washing machines, jumped far more than expected in July, casting a favorable light on the economy. “More people are buying washing machines,” said hedge fund manager ...