More Debt Builds A Stronger America? Shhhhhhh, It Does

Washington DC – The federal government drove almost eight hundred billion dollars deeper into debt in calendar year 2014.

“But think of all we accomplished!” said a White House official. “We fixed our world image! Now everyone sees us as, umm, what’s the opposite of war mongers? No, not door mats. Wait, is that why ISIS keeps telling us it’ll destroy us? Or hackers ruined a private company? Or why Russia can do what it wants? Ummm, crap.”

“It’s all worth it,” said a poor woman. “Because I gets my money.” She looked around her run-down apartment, adding, “even though this is also how they keep me down. I know those two ideas are contradictory, but that’s how I justify this existence. Are you challenging me? Racist!”

Public employees called the number “disturbing”, “we should be paid a lot more” and “triple our salaries or we strike! Do it! Without us your very way of life would crumble! How? Isn’t it obvious? You… well, we provide important… you know. Shut up!”

“I’m not sure this is how you run a business,” said a businessman. “But, I guess if you ran a business where you had guns pointed at your employees to keep them working and pointed at your debtors to keep them from asking for money, it’ll work. Huh, that might work. I’ll be right back.”

Good News Goes Unreported As Ireland Repays Debt Years Early

Dublin, Ireland – Ireland has repaid nine billion euros to the International Monetary Fund several years early, a move that saves heavy interest costs and illustrates the strong Irish rebound after its bailout. “You all were so quick to chastise us when we were failing!” yelled an angry Irishman. “But when we restructured, drew in billions of company taxes by lowering rates and streamlined our ...

We’re Number Two! We’re Number Two!

Beijing, China – The Chinese economy just overtook the United States economy to become the largest in the world. “Damn it!” said economy memorabilia salesman Trent Swartz. “They just sent me to Des Moines to sell ten thousand ‘#1 Economy’ oversized foam fingers.” He threw his hat on the ground, stomped on it, then picked up his hat, adding, “damn it! Why did I just ...

Treasury Department Spends A Trillion Dollars To Cover Bad Bets

Washington DC – The Daily Treasury Statement that was released the afternoon before Thanksgiving revealed that the US Treasury has been forced to issue a trillion dollars in new debt since fiscal 2015 started just eight weeks ago in order to raise the money to pay off Treasury securities that were maturing and to cover ...

As Banks Disappear, So Does Your Money

Seattle, WA – A survey by SNL Financial shows bank branch closures are heading for a record year as the industry trims down and services get increasingly electronic. “So when a bank closes, I lose my money?” asked a twenty something. “No, I really don’t know how it works, that’s why I’m asking you! No, ...

IRS Warns IRS Won’t IRS Things As Efficiently As IRS

Washington DC – The Internal Revenue Service Commissioner warned that close to half the people trying to reach the IRS by phone might not get through during the upcoming 2015 tax filing season. “You’re not paying our guys ninety seven thousand dollars a year to answer phones, so we’re going to half-ass our job,” said ...

US Tax Money Spent On ‘Massaging Rabbits’

Washington DC – A US Senator reports more than a dozen lucky rabbits were given Swedish massages four times a day, courtesy of the taxpayer, as part of a study to figure out whether massage can help recovery times after strenuous exercise. “Who approves such waste?” screamed a Congressman. “When I find out who… oh.” ...

Greece Still Sucks At Math

Athens, Greece – After months out of the spotlight, Greece was back at the center of Europe’s financial troubles when concerns over the stability of the government and its bailout program triggered a massive sell-off in stocks and bonds. “But we tried!” said a Greek politician. “Surely that counts for something. Look, we’re all good ...