Washington DC – The federal government drove almost eight hundred billion dollars deeper into debt in calendar year 2014.
“But think of all we accomplished!” said a White House official. “We fixed our world image! Now everyone sees us as, umm, what’s the opposite of war mongers? No, not door mats. Wait, is that why ISIS keeps telling us it’ll destroy us? Or hackers ruined a private company? Or why Russia can do what it wants? Ummm, crap.”
“It’s all worth it,” said a poor woman. “Because I gets my money.” She looked around her run-down apartment, adding, “even though this is also how they keep me down. I know those two ideas are contradictory, but that’s how I justify this existence. Are you challenging me? Racist!”
Public employees called the number “disturbing”, “we should be paid a lot more” and “triple our salaries or we strike! Do it! Without us your very way of life would crumble! How? Isn’t it obvious? You… well, we provide important… you know. Shut up!”
“I’m not sure this is how you run a business,” said a businessman. “But, I guess if you ran a business where you had guns pointed at your employees to keep them working and pointed at your debtors to keep them from asking for money, it’ll work. Huh, that might work. I’ll be right back.”