A Good Chunk Of Americans Can’t Budget, Control Themselves

Atlanta, GA – According to a study released by the Urban Institute, more than thirty five percent of Americans have debts and unpaid bills that have been reported to collection agencies.

“We need to take the money from the rich and give it to the poor!” shouted a former Occupier. “Then the poor can pay off their debts and have nice stuff. Yes, until they overspend and have no way to pay that off. So then we’ll just take more from the rich. Oh, well, someone’s gotta still be rich. Oh. Okay, then I didn’t really think this through.”

“You just need to make a budget,” said an economic advisor. “Then, live within your means. Yes, it is revolutionary. Yes, I did write a book. Yes, that’s how I made my money. Yes, I’m proud.”

The study went on to conclude “this should make anyone with a steady job feel bad about their success”, “this should make anyone who’s white feel bad” and “if you mention this study, you’re a bigoted racist. Even reading this study makes you a woman-hating, minority oppressing [expletive deleted]. Check and mate.”

“Yes, it’s from medical bills,” said a woman. “I pay hundreds a month for healthcare for myself and my children, and one hospital stay has put us back thousands. No, I don’t qualify for help because my husband and I both work. We still have to make twenty grand more to pay for healthcare, after taxes and everything. No, they’re not looking out for the middle class. Yes, I’m super pissed. Your welcome.”

Bitcoin Miner Hangs Up Virtual Hard Hat

New York, NY – The largest group of bitcoin miners, which maintains and processes transactions in the digital currency, is promising to avoid majority control of the currency as a temporary measure to maintain the payment system’s credibility. “Cool!” said a man running a bitcoin mining program on his PC. “Now I have a one in point zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero,zero, ...

Maryland Screwed On Gas, Name

Baltimore, MD – Marylanders expect to pay more for gas this holiday weekend, as experts cite conflicts in Iraq for the huge price hike. “That’s unfair!” shouted a man eating crab cakes. “We should pay just as much as everyone else!” He pounded his Ravens jersey, adding, “we are all Maryland! Maryland strong! Come on, people, join us! Rally around a besieged state and- come ...

GDP = God Damn Purse

Washington DC – The Commerce Department said gross domestic product fell at an almost three percent annual rate, the economy’s worst performance in five years, instead of the one percent pace it had reported last month. “We put out wrong numbers all the time,” said a Commerce Department spokesman. “I mean, all the time. We’re ...

Millions Expected To Starve To Death Because Food Costs Slightly More

Washington DC – According to data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the seasonally-adjusted price index for meats, poultry, fish, and eggs hit an all-time high in May. “Food isn’t costing more,” said a White House official. “It’s just that the economy is failing and we’re seeing what happens if government doesn’t prop up the ...

Government Spends Money Like It’s Going Out Of The Style Business

Washington DC – Federal tax revenues continue to run at a record pace in fiscal 2014, as the federal government’s total receipts for the fiscal year closed May at an unprecedented two trillion dollars. “Oh come on, it’s not your money,” said a Treasury Department official. “It’s the governments. Why should you care what we ...

Stock Market To Crash Next Week Or So

New York, NY – The president of Goldman Sachs said low volatility and interest rates that are holding in tight ranges have resulted in an “abnormal” trading market. “Yeah, this is a stock tip,” said a financial advisor. “But it’s also my little way of feeling morally superior to everyone.” He leaned back, gave a ...

We’ve Been Screwed On Gasoline Prices For Three And A Half Years

Knoxville, TN – According to AAA data, this Memorial Day marks nearly three-and-a-half years that the national average for a gallon of regular gasoline costs more than three dollars a gallon. “Here it is, sir,” said a disheveled reporter as he turned in a crumpled piece of paper to his editor. “I did some research ...