Contemporary Art Market Skyrockets Befuddling Contemporary Artists

Paris, France – The contemporary art market, buoyed by high demand and massive growth in China, smashed through the two billion mark for the first time in a record-breaking 2013-14 season.

“Yes, I’m very happy I just paid three hundred eighty five million dollars for this picture of a red circle on a blue square,” said a Chinese art dealer. “Why? Can’t you see? It represents Japan’s aggression and our emotional response during the autumn of 1972.” With a sigh he added, “so beautiful.”

“Oh man, this is…” gasped a contemporary artist between laughs. He held up his finger, composed himself, then broke back to laughter, managing to say “so stupid”, “suckers” and “biggest racket” before falling out of his chair from sheer mirth.

Traditional artists called the sales “a slap in the face”, “the worst thing to happen to traditional art since the Industrial Revolution” and “no, we’re not going to explain that. It’s just how things shook out. We’re still working on a response. Maybe next year.”

“I’m just doing this to get back at my parents,” said an art major. “Well, and because I don’t want to put in the effort to study. And, you know, because I’m insecure.” She held up a white canvas, adding, “and I can get fifty grand for a blank canvas. This is my IRA, dad! This is!”

New Jersey Might Be Crappy, But It’s Still Better Than Florida

Trenton, NJ – New Jersey had its credit rating cut one step by Standard & Poor’s. “This is the eighth downgrade for this governor,” said a Democrat. “That has to mean he sucks! What? Oh, no, the crumbling economy, the failures overseas, the myriad of scandals has no bearing on our President! He inherited those problems!” He then donned a parachute, opened the plane door, ...

We’re All Gonna Be Filthy Rich, Which Is Good, Because We’ll Have To Pay Someone To Wash The Rich Off Of Us

New York, NY – Stocks rose today, with the Dow and S&P 500 hitting all-time highs, after the government reported that orders for durable goods, such as toasters and washing machines, jumped far more than expected in July, casting a favorable light on the economy. “More people are buying washing machines,” said hedge fund manager and heavy drinker Kyle Gertz. “That means people are going ...

The Government Gave Away Two Billion Dollars

Washington DC – According to data from the Bureau of the Fiscal Service’s Monthly Treasury Statement, Americans received over two trillion dollars in benefits and entitlements in fiscal year 2013 from government programs. “Yeah, we gave a lot of it away,” siad a White House official. “Oh, right, you’d think we have nothing to do ...

Federal Health Laws Ruin School Bake Sales, Annoy Band Car Washers

Seattle, WA – A federal law that aims to curb childhood obesity means that, in dozens of states, bake sales must adhere to nutrition requirements that could replace cupcakes and brownies with fruit cups and granola bars, costing schools thousands. “We fixed America, we fixed the world, so now it’s time to move onto the ...

Eleven Countries On The Verge Of Economic Collapse, Or, On The Verge Of Economic Stability, Depending On Your Perspective

Tampa, FL – A new report claims eleven countries are very near bankruptcy. “List them?” said an economist. “I’d rather not. Not because I don’t know, but because that would really ruin the mystique. I mean, how are you going to freak out if you know they’re just po-dunk, poorly run socialist failures? You gotta ...

Stocks Fall For No Reason Whatsoever

New York, NY – US stocks declined today, positioning the Dow and S&P 500 for their first monthly losses since January. “Wait, I could lose money on stocks?” asked a day trader. “No, that doesn’t seem right.” He checked his computer, adding, “the government wouldn’t allow that, right? We all deserve to get rich, isn’t ...

A Good Chunk Of Americans Can’t Budget, Control Themselves

Atlanta, GA – According to a study released by the Urban Institute, more than thirty five percent of Americans have debts and unpaid bills that have been reported to collection agencies. “We need to take the money from the rich and give it to the poor!” shouted a former Occupier. “Then the poor can pay ...