{ May }
17

China Learns What We Already Know: Life Sucks

Beijing, China – Everyone assumed that the Chinese would get happier as their wallets got fatter. But a new study shows that the opposite occurred, at least for those at the lower end of the income spectrum.

“Who assumed that?” shouted a Chinese man. “We all knew that. Him? The guy in the fur coat new that. That’s why he’s crying! That’s why we’re all crying!” As he welled up he added, “at least I can dry my tears with billion dollar bills.”

“Take that, emerging economy!” shouted a top US Federal Bank official. “Whew, that felt good. Okay, back to work.” He then pulled a few tissues from the box and began to sob.

The Happiness Center For Joy called the study “our AIDS epidemic”, “come on, they’re working on a vaccine, it’s not too soon” and “back to the point: money doesn’t buy anything but happiness. Well, maybe they’re not buying the right kind of happiness. How much is a gram of meth in China?”

“I’m sure they’ll figure it out,” said a Canadian. “We have incredible wealth and we’re happy. The key is not to let it go to your head.” Without another word he tipped his hat, walked out the door and into the forest.

Feds Thankful We’ve Forgotten Fiscal Lessons From ’08 Crash

Washington DC – The Federal Reserve said that Americans sharply increased their borrowing for big-ticket items like cars and education expenses in March and whipped out their credit cards more often. “Finally!” said a Federal Bank employee. “How long are we going to have to manipulate the markets to trick you idiots into spending and not saving?” He poked our reporter in the chest and ...

We Still Don’t “Get” ATMs

Raleigh, NC – According to a new study, more than half the people who overdraw did not know they had signed up for overdraft coverage that would result in a fee. “Wait, so if I overdraw I’ll get money, but a fee?” asked an ATM user. “Or will I be charged and not get money? How does this work?” He tapped on the ATM screen ...

Upcoming Job Report More Painful Than Tattoo On Visceral Fat

Dallas, TX – A monthly report by payroll processor ADP said that private employers added only one hundred nineteen thousand jobs in April. “I have total confidence in our economic recovery,” said a day trader. “Right up to the point when you said, ‘oh really? So you haven’t heard about the job report?’ Now I’m ...

Fat People Are Ruining America

Chicago, IL – A new study shows obesity adds almost two billion dollars in health costs. “You’re telling me we could all have flying cars, subsidized by the government, if it wasn’t for fat people?” asked a slim American. “We’d have a moon base and robots and take vacations on the ocean floor if people ...

Keep Insolvent And Carry On

London, UK – Britain’s economy slid into its second recession since the financial crisis after official data unexpectedly showed a fall in output in the first three months of 2012, piling pressure on the Prime Minister’s embattled coalition government. “It’s a mixed bag of emotions,” said a top US diplomat. “On the one hand, the ...

Identity Thieves Ruin Undead’s Credit

Columbus, OH – A new study has found nearly two and a half million dead people are victims of identity theft every year. “We’re deeply disturbed by the robberies,” said a Priest. “It means the dead now have to spend time in heaven fixing their credit.” He shook his head and added, “such a shame, ...

Crippling Kids With Paying For College Keeps Them Focused, Poor

Trenton, NJ – New research from the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University finds that kids whose parents are footing the entire college bill, including tuition, books, housing and recreation money, were most likely to be partying and possibly floundering. “Twenty somethings must incur debt,” said a Federal Bank official. “They will learn ...
Money Archives