Good News Goes Unreported As Ireland Repays Debt Years Early

Dublin, Ireland – Ireland has repaid nine billion euros to the International Monetary Fund several years early, a move that saves heavy interest costs and illustrates the strong Irish rebound after its bailout.

“You all were so quick to chastise us when we were failing!” yelled an angry Irishman. “But when we restructured, drew in billions of company taxes by lowering rates and streamlined our infrastructure, you say nothin’!” He spat, adding, “and don’t say we found a pot o’ gold or you’ll get a shiner. Fine, then say hello to Pierre and Jean Luc! What? My mother’s side is French!”

“They stole our money!” said an IRS agent. “They charge a third of our corporate tax! That’s stealing!” He slamming his fists on the table, adding, “we should target them too! I don’t know how! Just do it! Attack!”

The IFM called the payment “alarming”, “countries can’t just figure out the basics of economics and pay back their debts! That’s not how it works! You have to blindly kowtow to minority opinion until you go bankrupt and are torn apart by riots!” and “don’t you other countries start working towards stability. We need you to keep screwing up. There you go, Spain. Just like Greece. There you go.”

“And that’s how a safety net works,” said an economist. “It’s to catch folks when they fall. No, it’s not a net when everyone uses it. Then the analogy turns into everyone just standing on the ground looking up at the trapeze, thankful they’re not up there taking any risk. No, that sucks.”

We’re Number Two! We’re Number Two!

Beijing, China – The Chinese economy just overtook the United States economy to become the largest in the world. “Damn it!” said economy memorabilia salesman Trent Swartz. “They just sent me to Des Moines to sell ten thousand ‘#1 Economy’ oversized foam fingers.” He threw his hat on the ground, stomped on it, then picked up his hat, adding, “damn it! Why did I just ...

Treasury Department Spends A Trillion Dollars To Cover Bad Bets

Washington DC – The Daily Treasury Statement that was released the afternoon before Thanksgiving revealed that the US Treasury has been forced to issue a trillion dollars in new debt since fiscal 2015 started just eight weeks ago in order to raise the money to pay off Treasury securities that were maturing and to cover new deficit spending by the government. “Oh, it’s not real ...

As Banks Disappear, So Does Your Money

Seattle, WA – A survey by SNL Financial shows bank branch closures are heading for a record year as the industry trims down and services get increasingly electronic. “So when a bank closes, I lose my money?” asked a twenty something. “No, I really don’t know how it works, that’s why I’m asking you! No, ...

IRS Warns IRS Won’t IRS Things As Efficiently As IRS

Washington DC – The Internal Revenue Service Commissioner warned that close to half the people trying to reach the IRS by phone might not get through during the upcoming 2015 tax filing season. “You’re not paying our guys ninety seven thousand dollars a year to answer phones, so we’re going to half-ass our job,” said ...

US Tax Money Spent On ‘Massaging Rabbits’

Washington DC – A US Senator reports more than a dozen lucky rabbits were given Swedish massages four times a day, courtesy of the taxpayer, as part of a study to figure out whether massage can help recovery times after strenuous exercise. “Who approves such waste?” screamed a Congressman. “When I find out who… oh.” ...

Greece Still Sucks At Math

Athens, Greece – After months out of the spotlight, Greece was back at the center of Europe’s financial troubles when concerns over the stability of the government and its bailout program triggered a massive sell-off in stocks and bonds. “But we tried!” said a Greek politician. “Surely that counts for something. Look, we’re all good ...

You’ll Get Your Medical Refund, When We’re Good And Ready To Give It

Washington DC – Millions of Americans may qualify for waivers from the most unpopular part of President Barack Obama’s health care overhaul, but getting that exemption could be an ordeal. “It’s very simple,” said a Congressman. “You file for the reimbursement on your taxes. Depending on your income, we adjust the gross refund to give ...