Moscow, Russia – A Kremlin aide mentioned Russia could reduce to zero its economic dependency on the United States if Washington agreed sanctions against Moscow over Ukraine, warning that the American financial system faced a “crash” if this happened.
“The best thing to do in this unwinnable situation is to continue down the path of political posturing,” said a Congressman. “I mean, why not stop now, right? We’re number one! We’re number- come on, guys, you gotta chant with me. Yes, legally you do! It’s in the Constitution. I donno, in the later paragraphs.”
“You guys sold us a lot of debt,” said a Russian banker. “And the giggling whilst selling it didn’t really help. But now we’re holding most of your money, and guess what?” He held up his ring finger, adding, “screw you! We’re in charge of- what? Why are you giggling? Huh? Oh, so what finger is it? Stop laughing!”
A UN representative called the threat “alarming”, “no, it’s alarming they keep letting you in the building” and “you guys are all over the place. Is this real or not? Yes, you can quote me. So does that make it real? Forget it, we’re done. Security!”
“That’s how you guys beat us,” said a Russian woman. “Not thought war, but though economics. Now it’s time for revenge. Oh yes, we really don’t want to destroy western civilization, but we have to, for the whole revenge thing. Sucks the religious radicals come out as winners, but hey, that’s life, da? Da.”