Bitcoin Miner Hangs Up Virtual Hard Hat

New York, NY – The largest group of bitcoin miners, which maintains and processes transactions in the digital currency, is promising to avoid majority control of the currency as a temporary measure to maintain the payment system’s credibility.

“Cool!” said a man running a bitcoin mining program on his PC. “Now I have a one in point zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero,zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, one percent chance of getting a bitcoin! Booyeah!”

“Yeah, credibility,” snorted contract killer, drug dealer, adulterer, burglar, and dead-beat dad Marc [last name withheld]. “When I’m paid in bitcoins, you know it’s for something sinister, like pirate movies or to avoid taxes.” He patted his laptop, adding, “the only credible part of the internet is the news sites. I trust those guys implicitly.”

The US Department of Treasury called the move “alarming”, “this is why the bitcoin currency is for amateurs. You need to take as much power as you can and hold on for dear life” and “look at us. We have America by the balls. We inflate our currency a few percent a year. Why? Because we can!”

“I’m not sure if this is a good or bad thing,” said a man. “I mean, how does [bitcoin] even work? Who gets it? Do restaurants use it? Is it worth something or just an investment thing?” When we tried to explain it, he added, “no, I don’t wanna- no thank you.”

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