Lincoln, NE – A new study from Javelin Strategy and Research finds that the use of prepaid debit cards rose by about eighteen percent last year, despite ‘egregious’ fees. “We’re not sure why Americans are buying these things,” said a White House official. “But we’re happy they’re buying stuff. You see, the economy only works ...

Winnipeg, Canada – Canadian researchers found more Americans die in auto accidents on income tax day in the US than on other comparable days, about thirteen more per day. “We love categorizing how you die,” said a Canadian. “It’s pretty much our national past time.” He sighed contently as he opened a book published by ...

New York, NY – The stock market is suffering its worst loss in a month after a weak bond auction in Spain renewed investor fear about European debt. “We’re not confident because Spain isn’t confident,” said a trader from the floor. “Spain’s not confident because Italy’s not confident. Italy’s not confident because Greece isn’t confident. ...

Atlanta, GA – Buzz is building around the largest lottery jackpot in world history, over a half a billions dollars, ahead of the Mega Millions drawing taking place in Atlanta late Friday night. “You can win,” giggled a lottery spokeswoman. “If everyone buys a ticket and there were more tickets sold than the winning price, ...

Washington DC – The current-account deficit in the US widened more than forecast in the fourth quarter to almost one hundred twenty five billion dollars, the biggest in three years. “We’re just as worried about the something something deficit as you are,” said a top White House official. “That is, unless you’re not worried about ...

Paris, France – Greece’s creditors agreed to take cents on the euro in the biggest debt writedown in history, providing much-needed breathing room for European nations living beyond their means. “Suckers!” shouted a top Greek official as he drove off in a Toyota Cressida, which promptly stalled out. He got out of the car and ...

Washington DC – The Federal Reserve Chairman warned Congress risks taking the economy over a “massive fiscal cliff.” “I don’t want to freak you out,” said a top aide to the Chairman. “But we’re going to go completely bankrupt which will lead to a few years of total chaos where all the rules of society ...

New York, NY – Stocks gained today, with the Dow breaking above the psychologically-important thirteen thousand point level in almost four years, led by gains in materials and after the Greek deal. “We’re back!” shouted a trader. “Now I can finally get back to doing what I do best: figuring out a way to game ...