Moon Will Slam Into The Earth On Saturday

New York, NY – The biggest and brightest full moon of the year arrives Saturday night as our celestial neighbor passes closer to Earth than usual.

“This super moon, as it is known, will wreak havoc on the Earth,” said a scientist. “We’re predicting billions to lose their mind, the oceans to be pulled across the continents and almost ninety nine percent of all life will be destroyed.” He checked his notes before adding, “just as we predicted last year. Hopefully, this time we’ll be correct.”

“The moon will be so close we can reach out and high-five those on the moon base,” said a Republican candidate. “Oh, that’s right, there is no moon base. Why? Because our President eats babies.” In the split second before being tackled by the Secret Service he noted, “that’s-”

Astronomers call the close passing “creepy”, “we prefer to keep a safe distance from everything we look at” and “yes, that includes our ex-girlfriends. Wait, how did you know that? Oh, right, the creepy haircut.”

“So the Mayans were right,” said the guy in the line for the ATM. “The moon is going to destroy the Earth. I knew it.” He mumbled to himself about lines and things take a lot longer now that people can deposit checks until it was his turn, then took almost ten minutes to finish his transaction.